A time for reflection

So while most people are out celebrating the New Year I am staying home watching TV. I'm not sure if I am sad about this or not. I have had other offers, not anything exciting but its not that I am completely alone, I'm just kind of here, reflecting within myself.

Maybe I read too much into holidays but I want holidays to mean something and most of the time they don't.. at least not what I expect them to mean. I have always dreamed of spending holidays with that special someone and really I never have had a great holiday with someone I was in a relationship with. Maybe it is the TV commercials during  with the diamonds and roses or the way people make over holidays but somehow I end up feeling so alone. 

Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of having that New Years kiss and no far no luck. It makes me feel sad and pathetic and I hate that. I have so much going for me but yet I somehow dwell on something that really is not THAT important. I just feel like I am 26 years old and alone and don't know if I have ever really been loved by a man. Sure I have been married and in a few serious relationships but I look back now and look at how I was crushed every single time and wonder.... If they could hurt me that bad did they ever really love me or was I a safety net, someone they knew they would spend time with until something better came along.  I have never been put first when it came to a man. I was always second or third or tenth in the lineup of priorities and that hurts a lot. I don't think that I should be the center of anyone's world but in a relationship I feel like I should be right up there on the list of priorities, God knows they would be.

Then I think, maybe I give too much. I was told not to long ago that I should not base my needs around his needs.... I guess feel that a married couple needs to give and take... I gave and gave and gave and they took and took and took. I always lived on the hope that someday they would show me they loved me. 

I know that the fact that I put too much into a relationship is because I don't think I am good enough. If I do have a chance at being loved I hold on to it. So what if they work ALL the time... they do come home once in a while and when they are around... I don't want to fight. I remember I would literally cry at night when I was alone because he was six, seven even 10 hours late but the second he walked in the door I was all smiles because I wanted every second I could get with him. I never questioned because I didn't want to know anything that would hurt so I assumed he was where he said he was... at high school football practice until 1 in the morning (seems reasonable right). I was afraid of the truth not knowing that the truth will always come out and it comes out hard and explosive and feels like you have been hit in the gut with a thousand pounds of sand... it takes your breath, your drive, your beating heart. 

I go on facebook and all I see are happy couples with happy children and happy lives and I know in my heart they are going though the same struggles that I am going through and that life is not just whats on a facebook status but I find myself envious and thinking I just want what they have. 

I often find myself asking why I cant find someone to love me and the only conclusion I come to is that I am fat. Fat people are not lovable and because I am fat I dont really have many options for a man. I can have guys sure...  I can have bums or sick perverts but a decent guy will never want me, what I am? Not beautiful that's for sure. People tell me that I am wrong to think this way but I know I am right... beauty may only be skin deep but guys have to have something to look at before they see my inner beauty and I am surly not beautiful on the outside so why would they try. 

This is not intended to be a piety party for Missy, in fact I really don't want the comments that say "oh Missy your beautiful if they don't like you on the inside you don't need them blah blah blah" I just am really trying to express how I feel. Im not sure anyone can change that, I have to change it for myself.... and with time I will. The truth is, when I was 317lbs I hated myself to the point that I didn't want to show my face in public ever. I would literally go to work because I had to and the go home and drown myself in the bed day after day. When I was in relationships at that size I was a nervous wreck because I knew they would leave me for someone better... which they did... It just goes to show that size does matter... I was only a stepping stone. 

So as I sit here tonight I want to reflect on the past year. 2010 was a year of a lot of changes in my life, most of which I hope I am climbing out of. The list of negative things that happened in the past year have sure outweighed the positive though there have been a few positive things that did happen :: Besides having surgery I really cant think of a lot of things that were great in my life in 2010 honestly... 2010 will be one of those years that I want to be out of....I am ready for a fresh start. 

In saying that though, I hope that 2010 will be a year that I will always remember because much like 2007 it has made me a stronger person. I have literally been knocked on my ass and had to pick myself up by my bootstraps and just keep going... day by day sometimes minute by minute.... 2010 may have sucked... but it has built me and gave me the courage to be strong for myself. 

So as I say Goodbye to 2010 I hope I will always remember the events because taking those events will help me be myself and help me to not be taken advantage of in the future. I do know that the future is mine and I also know that your past often frames your future... my past is kinda dark so I am hoping I can look to the brightness of a new day. Happy New Year! Welcome 2011!

Resolutions

I want to say first and foremost that this diet thing is not a New Years Resolution. I don't believe in New Years Resolutions because I have never seen anyone really succeed on them. I have tried that whole lets go on a diet in the new year but by Martin Luther King Day we were out living it up at the Super Chinese Buffet.

I guess in a way my journey is a resolution to change myself though. Not just to be skinny but to live a long and healthy life for my family, for my friends and obviously for me.

I guess in a way I have to admit this... I dont know how to say it in a way that wont make me sound completely like a worthless person but I am just going to go for it.... As much as I wanted to lose weight for me, my biggest reason that I did the surgery (at the time) was to look good with my husband. (see how far that got me), I'm a hundred pounds lighter and hes God knows where doing God knows what. I guess that goes to show that my issues about us looking good together was in my head and really were not issues to him.... we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to self-confidence. As humans we make things seem different then what reality is. We tell ourselves things that aren't necessarily true. As a fat person I had accepted that I was fat but as a married fat person who had a semi-athletic husband I could not accept that he wanted me for me.  I didn't see the fact that he had already married me, I knew that he would leave me for a skinnier person.... so I had surgery. 

Saying that I do not in any way regret having the operation because without it I would not be in the shape that I am in. A year ago I was just trying to breath with every step I took, today I went to the gym and spent almost an hour on a treadmill at a moderate/fast pace.... a year ago, I could have maybe gone 10 minutes at a slow pace. My life is so much better. I am happier not only with how I look but who I am on the inside. I am strong and worth something and I know that now. 

Defined  a resolution is : a resolve or determination. That's what I am doing. I am resolving or in other words solving the problem I have with being overweight and I am determined to change it. 

A dear friend of mine probably my current best friend told me today that I had all the opportunities in the world to do this and that it was really all in my court. "Its not anybody's fault why you are the way you are and its not anybody's but your own problem to get it off". She was explaining to me that I am young and still have a huge life to lead and I could lead it as a fat person or I could spend the time and effort to make myself who I want to be. 

So I leave with this.... This is about me... only me. I am strong and confident now and writing my thoughts for you really helps me get through the days and weeks of the struggles. I may ramble but that's OK because this blog is essentially for me to succeed and if I need some time for rambling... so be it!

What makes one fat?

As I lay here I wonder sometimes what happened to me to make me this fat? I didn't try to be fat, it was never a goal of mine to be as big as a whale but somehow I got that way. Though this journey I hope that I can really discover why I became as big as I did. 

I was born a normal sized baby and my parents were on the large size when I was growing up but it wasn't that their weight was out of control like mine so it really wasn't a genetics thing I could blame.

Growing up I can always remember being hungry, and when I say hungry I could eat. We moved to Maine when I was seven and at that point I was chubby but probably still had control of my body if only I had known how to handle it, the problem, my Dad bought a convenience store and we all moved above it. All I had to do was run down the stairs to get a piece of pizza or a bag of chips.

I cant say may parents didn't try to control my eating because they did. I was always being told no but somehow I would always find a way to sneak food. I would literally find a way to go down the stairs when they weren't looking and find something to eat. I even remember when I had babysitters I would get a bag and load up on junk food in those brown paper bags and have a pig out party... I told them I could and they let me...

As I became a young teenager I learned that I could gain friends by feeding them the free food at my Dads store. I would invite the whole neighborhood to my house and get pizzas for everyone, again this was an eating party. I was always eating with them and packing on pounds as I was packing on friends. I can literally remember people asking me to come over and then expecting free food. At the time I took it as I was getting friends and becoming popular when in the long run, I was popular because of what I had not because I was a nice person. 

Another thing was that with my Dad owning the store we didn't get a lot of family time. From a young girl I learned the ideas of fine dining. My Dad would get a day off and we would just take off somewhere. We usually had snacks in the car and then ate at least twice to three times in a restaurant. It became a normality for my family and it was a good thing, but when I look back at my health it may not have been what I needed.

As I became older I began to make my own eating routines. My friends and I would go out to dinner 3 to 4 nights a week and of course eat the french fries and the fried chicken fingers.... never did we have salad. I remember even in high school we would rush down on chicken nugget day to get 2 packs of nuggets... that was fine once a week but sometimes I would have two nuggets on Monday and two burgers and Tuesday and 2 French Fries on Thursday and so on.

College was a total disaster... Everyone knows of the Freshman 15.... How about the Freshman 75. I must have gained that much in college if not more. I remember the 3am Cook-out runs and the pizza delivery men and the Chinese guy who wouldn't take a check under 5 dollars and we couldn't figure out why.

As time went on my high school savings money began to dwindle so I began to relay on the school cafe for my meals. I would take a to-go box and fill it to the rim with food, go sit it down under my table with my bags and then go get plates and fill those up and eat in the cafe. It was honestly sick how much I could get from that place, but I was hungry and I thought that I needed to eat that much to survive. My friends did it too but what I didn't know is that their boxes were probably eaten during the next couple of days or even thrown away while mine usually made up my midnight snack.

Outside of college I had a lot of drama go on in my life and I just decided that food was the only thing that wouldn't hurt me or abandon me so I ate. Usually to dull the pain or comfort me when really I just needed to get out of my own way and trust myself.  Food was a way to get past the horrible times and it was a temporary high, much like a hit of weed or a shot of tequila or even a quick drag of a cigarette. Food was my drug of choice. Just like a drug addict uses to feel better, I ate to feel better. I didn't see or really care what the consequences were, I just ate. 

Things seem clearer about my eating habits now as I have grown out of a lot of them. I also sometimes see myself falling back into patterns I thought I had left behind so this is why I am here... working publicly on an issue so many fear. I know I need help, and I refuse to hide behind food ever again.

About a year ago my uncle told me "you cant live to eat you must eat to live" I love food I'm not going to lie about that, but I can love food in a moderate way, I just have to find my niche. I will win this war!

The Figures. Day One

So Its official, I have gained weight during the holiday season. We all do I suppose. Eating is pretty much the central part of holidays and any gatherings we Americans are involved in. 

My weight... not too back was 215.5. I of course wasn't happy but I had not been on a scale since October so I am not totally shocked. Its all going to change though. 

We all weighed in on the Wii fit tonight. I think this will let us be accountable for what we do on our diets. Every two weeks it will tell us and track our results. I set my next goal of 10lbs in two weeks. It seems like a lot but you have to remember I don't absorb calories like normal people anymore so I think 10lbs will be an OK goal if I stick to my eating and working out. 

My Dad even got in on the weight loss goals so I am hoping that trying to outdo him will be a huge boost for me. I dont want him to beat me, its just not my style. 

I also set up my account of Calorie Counter which is an amazing free website that tracks your foods and your progress... if you want to use it just got www.Caloriecounter.com. Its really user friendly and kind of encouraging... just don't do what one of my friends does and lie to it.... if you have a candy bar tell it you had a candy bar, it wont jump out and bitchslap you! 

I guess tomorrow will be the official D-Day as everyone has weighed in and has set their goals. I will let you know how it goes... as for now... I just need support from my friends! I love you guys!

The Impossible Truths... So many of you really dont know.

317. A number that represents everything. Its the beginning and the end of my journey as a fat person. 317 is a magic number in my life because it was at Three Hundred and Seventeen Pounds that I decided to change my life once and for all.

For those of you that are of a normal weight. Imagine walking around with 40 5lbs bags of sugar on your back, wouldn't be easy would it? Let me tell you... it was a pain in the ass literally, and back, and legs, and arms, and feet and any other part of my body. I hurt most days, I had trouble breathing just climbing the one flight of stairs I had to my apartment. Everything was a struggle. Things you wouldn't think about such as getting into booths at restaurants, getting into cars, riding on airplanes, buying clothes and you could forget about getting on a roller coaster, you would just be too big.

My life was going well outside of my weight but I knew that my weight was a huge issue that I was going to have to face, no one is healthy at that size. People don't like fat people. Its not anything bad its just a part of our society, and truthfully as a member of society I didn't like myself. I found myself not showering, throwing my hair back slick, wearing no makeup and big t-shirts to work. I was a teacher so I probably looked awful to the kids, but at that point in my life, I looked so bad I couldn't hide my weight so I stopped trying.

I remember the day it happened, the day that really changed my life. It was a hot summer day in North Carolina, one of those 100+ degree days. My husband at the time (Kris) wanted to go hiking. I remember when he said it I could feel knots in my stomach but because I knew he really wanted to go I got off my ass and surrendered. The drive to the trail was interesting, I kept wishing that we would get lost or that he would change his mind but alas he found it. I reluctantly got out of the car and began to walk. Within 50 feet of the trails beginning I had already fallen my face. I got back up and continued slowly but surly trying to hide the fact that the short walk was killing me from my athletic husband. I kept going, holding on to every breath I took. I probably walked 10 minutes until I began tearing up. Every bone in my body hurt, I literally could not breath and I honestly thought I would die out on this trail. Kris finally looked back at me and my puddle eyes and I broke down. I knew at that point the things I wanted to do I couldn't do and that my weight was the reason I couldn't enjoy things that I should be enjoying. We went home and I began my journey. 

I knew that I couldn't lose the amount of weight I needed to by myself so I started looking at options. At first it was Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig but I had done programs like that before and lost but gained the weight back and more. So I took a more drastic look. I went to a meeting about Weight Loss Surgery and decided that I wanted to make a life changing move.

After a lot of research I decided on Gastic Bypass Surgery which is where the doctor goes in and re-routs your insides to make your stomach smaller. Its kind of a scary thought but I knew that I wanted to make this change for good. I went into Surgery on January 11th, 2010. As of today, December 27th, 2010 I weigh 208lbs. That means I have lost 111lbs in about a year. 

I am making this blog because I still have a journey to go and as you know dieting is not easy, not even with the surgery. I had help getting back to a manageable state but I have still at least another 60lbs to go. I am starting a diet in the morning Tuesday December 28th, 2010 and staying on it until I get to where I need to be. I hope this blog will help with support because I sure do need it. I have a friend Renee who is on this with me and we are going to kick some butt... but we still need support! I am asking those who read this to take time to respond and give me encouragement. This is my life and I am taking control once and for all.