A Gift of True Inspiration

I am inspired. Truly inspired. Inspired to the point that inspiration is just spewing out of me like a active volcano. For the fist time in my life I have got the big picture. Truly, the picture is crystal clear, like looking down into a stream of mountain fresh water from a natural cave. 

I begin by saying that I am staring something completely different then anything I have ever even thought about doing before. I also begin by saying that I am starting a series of posts that are going to run parallel with a book that I just picked up. The book is called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkenurst.  I highly suggest that all women who struggle with the issues of weight loss pick up this book, whether you are saved by the grace of God or questioning what truth is, this book is unbelievable.

I am done lying to myself. I am doing having a false attitude that what I do today can be made up for tomorrow. The truth is, it cant, and the truth is that every single M&M or chip I put in my mouth is a lie. I don't not want to come off as one of those self-righteous born again Christians that think that their "shit" doesn't stink because believe me mine does. I want to share my love of the Lord with those around me because I am excited about what he has done for me. Without God, I would still be hurdled up in a corner somewhere waiting and not being pro-active about my life

So I have incorporated my love for Jesus with my hate of a diet and this book is where I stand. The book is not a miracle, I still have to do the work, but it certainly is an eye opener. Because I love you, I am going to go day by day chapter by chapter and reflect on what is happening, not only in this book but in my life. I'm going to talk about some things that are brought up in this book and talk about how they work in my life.

Introduction - "Finding your want to" 

In Matthew 19:21, Jesus says "If you want to be perfect [whole], go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Most of us may think, "this doesn't apply to me, I have no money, this must be talking about those who have too much and should give up some things" right?

According to Lysa, Jesus didn't mean this as a sweeping command for everyone who has a lot of money. Jesus meant this for any of us who wallow in whatever abundance we have (mine being food). She brings this point, In today's world does Matthew 19:21 fit better if we say that Jesus said "I want you to give up the one thing you crave more then me. Then come. Follow me."   I don't know about you but the one thing I crave is food, should I not begin to crave Jesus more and foods less? 

Chapter 1 - Whats Really Going On Here? 

Lysa introduces us to the little orange monster that we have all seen on the Weight Watchers commercials. We are all made to crave, and the Bible talks deeply about cravings even in the beginning with Eve craving an apple. She introduces a pattern of temptation that happens over and over in the Bible. She says that patterns of temptation are Cravings ---> Lust of the eyes ---> Boasting. Eve, for example was hungry and wanted the apple even though she knew God had told her not to eat it (craving), she wanted it because it was beautiful or it looked good (lust of the eye) and she wanted it because the serpent told her it would give her the power of God (boasting). She couldn't get off the apple because she couldn't stop thinking about it. "we consume what we think about, and what we think about can consume us if we are not careful"

The point- 

* God wants us to crave, and to crave only him. "we were made to crave-long for, want greatly, desire eagerly, and beg for-God, Only God.

* Satan, as we all know, knows where we are weak, and like many of you, my biggest weakness is food. I crave food constantly. Satan knows that and throws food at me on a constant basis. Its my job to crave God, look at the word of God to beat out Satan and the stones he throws at me. Satan will do ANYTHING to break us from our Lord.

I am beginning to get it, Food is my weakness and when I eat too much or don't exercise I begin to feel defeated, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I begin to think that I am not in control of my life and that something evil is. The truth, when I eat to too much just because I want to I am weak, something evil is in control, Satan, he is breaking me down bite by bite to make me feel hopeless, defeated miserable and distant for God. I have to begin to stop him from throwing stones at me. I have to begin to realize that not having that last brownie wont kill me but possibly that brownie could eventually kill me.

I want to leave you with a thought from the Bible: 

1 Corinthians 10:23 says, "Everything is permissible-but not everything is beneficial"

Remind yourself that you could have a brownie or a chip, but they wont benefit you in anyway.

Basically, you can have anything you want, but you have to ask yourself, how much good is that going to do for you physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Battery Acid and Things Too Close

"Bitterness is easy to justify and difficult to recognize in ourselves. Maybe that's because it grows and develops over time. It starts when something bad happens, usually something we believe is unjust and undeserved. We feel wounded and hurt. We search for a way to deal with the pain. Sometimes, that leads to a defeating attitude of self-pity. If we rest in self-pity long enough, it transforms into anger. Our blood pressure rises, We continually replay the incident that caused our pain in the first place. We want to take out our rage on the offender. Often though, our anger seeps into our relationships with everyone else. 

Eventually, our anger descends into the most harmful state of all: bitterness. We feel continually distracted by our rage and desire for revenge,. We may become discouraged and disillusioned. We find ourselves poising our relationships, always blaming others for our problems. We lose our energy, our joy, and our strength. Worst of all, the bitterness we feel blocks us from enjoying a close and vital relationship with the Lord. Scripture says that Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy (Prov. 14:10). Bitterness is corrosive; it burns to the core. It is like having battery acid in your soul."  - Jim Daly 

Is that not defining to most of us? I find myself more and more looking to scripture to make peace of my life. For the first time in my life I am absolutely at peace. I have hope and faith that there is a plan for me. I have been diving head first into these books and honestly, I hate to read but these books are almost made for me. 

I have been through a lot in the last 6 months and I find myself still asking when I am going to get a break from the rejection that life is throwing at me, but then I stop for a second and smell the roses. Yes... here in Stanford the flowers are blooming and a fresh new light is falling upon my face as I walk outside each day. I am here... I am able to stand and smell the springtime air. I have an amazing support system and the best of friends and I have a future that is unbelievable.

2 Corinthians 12:10 Says - I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong. 

I believed that with my whole heart that "pain is part of the plan". I believe that we have to experience pain and heartache so that we can be closer not only to God, but to know who we are as individuals. Each one of us has a story, we have all hurt and suffered but how many of us can say that the pain has killed us. Yes, at the time we may have wanted to end it all, but if your reading this tonight, you didn't did you? You are probably stronger in the long run and use the pain you once thought was going to kill you for good in the next trial of your life. 

I give you this if nothing else... your pain will make you stronger. I promise that although it may seem like you are a lost little puppy dog, eventually if you trust in yourself you will come through a stronger and better person. 

I want to begin to share some of the inspiration that is coming to me though these books with the world. I find that it is my calling to help those who like me, have been stuck in a pit. I may have been completely wrong on my calling because right now, the joy I get from sharing how the Lord has saved me is what I feel I need to be doing all the time.

Measurements

In time of trouble . . .                                        He shall set me upon a rock - Psalms 27:5

I have never done this before. I have never done this before because I have never seen a real need... until now. I am increasingly falling apart when it comes to my body. I am increasingly eating the wrong foods and doing nothing to burn the foods I do eat. I am ready to change by life but the battle is more like climbing a mountain every single day. I think it has to do with the fact that my life in general is in an whirl-wind and I eat to comfort myself in times of trouble... but like the Bible says above... in time of trouble, he shall set me upon a rock.   I should not try to comfort myself, in a way its like a self-medicating thing.... I don't want to medicate myself with food, from now on, I will look to the Lord for my rock. 

I took my measurements tonight, the first time I think I have ever done this. It was a hard blow but It needed to be done, without them I, (A) wont see how bad it is now and (B) wont see progress. A scale is not a way to show progress to its full potential and I have to see the inches fall off as much as just the number.  

My full set of measurements are below, and a month from now I will do this again to see progress. 

As of March 9th, 2011 at 7:31pm... 

Weight - 220lbs

Bust - 48'' (yes my boobs are huge)

Chest - 40''

Waist - 48"

Hips - 46" 

Thighs - 41"

Upper Arms - Left 14" Right 15" (I hate my arms so these are defiantly target areas) 

BMI - 37.8 This number means I am still obese. I am not the super morbid obese that I used to be but I am still pretty big and have a lot to do... 

So here goes round 2 of this weight loss program. 

My mini food goal - Week one -  1200 calories and no white. 

My mini activity goal - Week one - Do at LEAST 30 minutes of exercise a day.

Setting Sail ... again

Seek peace, and pursue it.

                                                                                     - Psalms 34:14


I have a lot to be thankful for. I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis because there is so much in my life that is going absolutely haywire.  My life... as I knew it... does not exist. I miss my life, the one I built for myself. I miss it more and more each day. Everyday that goes by is like a knife twisting into my soul.  I am realizing now what I used to be and what I have become now. 


When all of my "troubles" first started, I had an extremely positive attitude. I told myself a million times a day that I was strong and in no time I would pick myself up and continue on the path I wanted for myself. My positive attitude is probably what got me though the trying times, the times where I literally had to remind myself to breath and every breath I took felt like my last. The pain was overwhelming but I was at peace with myself. So what if the world was against me, I was stronger then that... I was a fighter. 


I think what has happened... is that my fight is beginning to wear off. I think as humans we can all take rejection to a certain point and then it begins to fester in our soul. I think the bottom line is that the rejection I have been though is beginning to fester and I am not sure how to handle it. 


I am not necessarily talking about rejection by a man. Men, as much as I would love to have one someday, are not my priority. What good would it be for me to fall in love right now? I have no direction in my life, I have no home and I don't really know where I am going to be.  I have been rejected by men and yes it does hurt, but it doesn't kill me... it doesn't hurt near as bad as being rejected time and time again for positions that I know I could do an amazing job at. 


I need and job, but I think more importantly is that I want a job. I want a place that needs me. I think right now I feel like I have no purpose because in essence I don't. I have applied to like a thousand jobs it seems and I just get the run around from people. I don't know if the problem is that I am not local or what but people just pass me by. I am a good teacher, not the best but I have passion. I have passion for children, I have passion for helping people, I have passion to be a great teacher and an inspiration in lives of those who need it.... no one here seems to see that. 


I have finally identified the problem. I need a job. I have been trying to find peace in a lot of ways but essentially without a position, I will have nothing. I need my own life again. I built my life back the last time my world fell apart and I realize now it was because I had a school and a family of teachers that took care of me.  I had something to fall back on, I had a sense of belonging, a sense of worth. 


I have honestly been extremely depressed. There are days at a time that I have been in the house without ever seeing the light of day. I want to disappear. I am miserable. I am miserable with myself for who I have become. I am angry. I am angry at myself because I can not lift myself up and fight back. I am tired. I am tired of trying so hard to get a rejection. My life seems like a joke. I feel trapped. I feel alone. I feel defeated. 


A guy told me just yesterday "I need someone who has control of their life." That hit me hard because I am realizing now that I don't have control of who I am right now. I feel like I am 16 again. I am relaying on everyone else and I am just here, taking up oxygen to those who really do have purpose. 


I am so increasingly thankful for my parents. Without them, I don't think I would have made it this far. I think that its just time for me to step out on my own and I am not sure how to do that. I want so bad to be the independent girl that I once was. I want to the girl who was happy. I am not happy. 


In saying of this. I am gaining weight. I eat when I am sad. Its a sad truth. I eat to comfort me and I am too stupid to realize that doing that just makes it worse. I refuse to be who I was though. I am to the point now that I am thinking that taking control of my body may be the only thing I have right now. I am tired of being tired and I know that half of my problem is food that I eat. I am scared to death to become the 317lb Missy again but if I dont change it, no one else can. 


I have to have a new beginning again. Its embarrassing to say this because lord knows I have had a lot of new beginnings in just three or four months but again here I sit, at yet another cross-roads of my life. I want so bad to be able to control this battle but I fear it probably with be a life long battle of ups and downs. I need to be on an up, and at this point I am ready. I want to talk about it again, I want to be able to give hope to those struggling. 


I am obviously not a role-model and probably not an inspiration. I am pretty screwed up myself right now, but I have to bring back hope for myself. I don't care if I write this and no one reads it, its for me, a reflection. With this blog I have brought hope for myself before, I am hoping again that will be the case. 


I want to tell all my readers that I am not a failure, even though I feel like one right now. I am a work in progress... a young women who one day feels like she is defeated but the next can sail the world. I am just ready to set sail again... for myself...

Isnt She Lucky?

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.  

Psalm 143:8

The following came from the last two Chinese Fortune Cookies I have had.... 

 Enhance your Karma by engaging in various charitable activities.

Follow your hear and you will find happiness.

I want to first and foremost say that I am one lucky girl. I am lucky on so many levels that I cant even explain to you right now. I am lucky because I have an amazing support system consisting not only of my parents but of so many of my extended family and so many friends that I could call my sisters and brothers. I am lucky because I have my health... sure not the best health but I have the ability to make it better... I am lucky because I have shelter and food to eat and clothes to put on my back every single day.  I am lucky because I know God as my savior and I thank him for that over and over again. I am lucky because I have a solid education and will be able to find an amazing job.... eventually :) I am lucky because I have known love and trust that someday, I will know love again and this time it will be unconditional. 

The point is, I need to stop dwelling on what I don't have and being thankful for what I do. I have everything I need in this world and the rest is just going to be extras. We went to a program the other night and church called cardboard confessionals. The idea was that church members young and old would write down their confessions or testimonies on a large piece of cardboard and then share with the church. It was an amazing experience for me, one I never really expected. A young boy, maybe 16, stood up in front of the church. His cardboard wrote "I never had a family, I was never really loved" and as he flipped it over it said "by the Grace of God I now have a family that loves me for me." This boy's message made me sad. It made me sad because of his story but then I became angry at myself for cursing my life. I began to realize my life is not bad in fact its probably pretty good compared to most. Yes I have had trials and tribulations, I think we all do but in the end I have family and health and someplace to call home.  

I don't want to make this about God but I believe that God has a huge part of where I am right now and I thank him for it every single day. As sick as it sounds I thank him for putting me in the place I am right now because for the first time in my life I feel at peace. Sure I don't have a job yet, but I will get one. Sure I don't have my own place, but I have an amazing set of parents who I get to see every single day. Sure I don't have someone to love, but I will find him. Life is too short to dwell on things that you want, because if you have what you need, it should be enough.

I have faith that my life will turn around and I will find things I want, but it cant be on my time. Life is all about decisions and we make decisions based on so many different things but we need to follow our heart. Our heart will lead us home.

My goal is to make my readers really look into what they have when they are complaining about what they don't have and appreciate the good things in their lives. Things can always get worse... always... and it helps me to use every day as a new day of Thanksgiving. Who says that we cant celebrate what we are thankful for every single day? I know I can! 

I know this is short and sweet and I do have a not so great diet update for tomorrow. I just needed to get this off my mind. 

A Much Needed Update

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I told you on Thursday night that I was going to the doctor on Friday. I told you that my hands and feet freeze and that I cant lose weight. Here were the results.... 

Exercise more! Yes I am serious, the one thing I hate to do is the only way to lose weight for me. I left that office so depressed and literally pissed off that I wanted to scream. Its crazy to think that no matter how little I eat, I have to keep upping my exercise routines... forever! Goah! 

The doctor, whom I do trust, told me that basically what happens when you lose weight is that your body tries to keep the weight on, it doesn't know that its not losing something vial... The way that your body does that is to first slow down your metabolism... sometimes to a roaring stop... so if your body gets used to one routine of exercise you have to compensate... its really messed up for those of us who need to lose weight but in nature is probably a great defense mechanism... too bad we aren't in nature we are in the real world!

I went home and pondered what the hell I was going to do. I hate exercising as it, how am I going to do more! I finally decided that part of my issue is that I don't have a routine to go by and truthfully I don't know what the hell I am doing when I go to the gym I just go.  I decided that I am going to use what I have, so I am going to use the trainers that exist within my gym. I am going to have someone who knows what they are doing to set me up a schedule to intensify my movement level and help my metabolism push harder. 

Yes, I am still floating over 200. If I use the Wii, I'm 202 but the doctor said I was 214... 10 days ago at the doctor I was 220 so we are making progress its just my actual weight is somewhere within that range. 

I have felt bad today. My head is killing me and has been all day. I blame the weather since it was like 30 degrees a couple days ago and now its 50. I hate when the weather does crazy things it makes me feel bad and when I feel bad I want comfort foods and to just lay around... blah! 

As far as eating goes... I have done good so far. The other night I did have a 1X1 inch piece of baklava, which was terrible for me but I figured what the hell it cant kill me. When I had that I just psyched myself up to say "this is one treat it is not the end of your diet" and so far that has worked. Besides that I have not fallen off once. But I am probably eating the best I can and still not losing weight because of the damn lack of exercise... blah! This is ridiculous! 

I'm tired and probably gonna try to go to bed early... I thought I would update the whole diet progress  :) 

Hope everyone else is doing good!

An Inspiring Day

I want to first share a Bible Story. I am going to explain it in reference to my life after but reading it may help you understand it. 

It comes from the Second Book of Samuel Chapter 14.

Absalom Returns to Jerusalem

 ¹ Joab son of Zeruiah knew that the king’s heart longed for Absalom. ² So Joab sent someone to Tekoa and had a wise woman brought from there. He said to her, “Pretend you are in mourning. Dress in mourning clothes, and don’t use any cosmetic lotions. Act like a woman who has spent many days grieving for the dead. ³ Then go to the king and speak these words to him.” And Joab put the words in her mouth.

 ⁴ When the woman from Tekoa went^[a] to the king, she fell with her face to the ground to pay him honor, and she said, “Help me, Your Majesty!”

 ⁵ The king asked her, “What is troubling you?”

   She said, “I am a widow; my husband is dead. ⁶ I your servant had two sons. They got into a fight with each other in the field, and no one was there to separate them. One struck the other and killed him. ⁷ Now the whole clan has risen up against your servant; they say, ‘Hand over the one who struck his brother down, so that we may put him to death for the life of his brother whom he killed; then we will get rid of the heir as well.’ They would put out the only burning coal I have left, leaving my husband neither name nor descendant on the face of the earth.”

 ⁸ The king said to the woman, “Go home, and I will issue an order in your behalf.”

 ⁹ But the woman from Tekoa said to him, “Let my lord the king pardon me and my family, and let the king and his throne be without guilt.”

 ¹⁰ The king replied, “If anyone says anything to you, bring them to me, and they will not bother you again.”

 ¹¹ She said, “Then let the king invoke the LORD his God to prevent the avenger of blood from adding to the destruction, so that my son will not be destroyed.”

   “As surely as the LORD lives,” he said, “not one hair of your son’s head will fall to the ground.”

 ¹² Then the woman said, “Let your servant speak a word to my lord the king.”

   “Speak,” he replied.

 ¹³ The woman said, “Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has not brought back his banished son? ¹⁴ Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But that is not what God desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him.

 ¹⁵ “And now I have come to say this to my lord the king because the people have made me afraid. Your servant thought, ‘I will speak to the king; perhaps he will grant his servant’s request. ¹⁶ Perhaps the king will agree to deliver his servant from the hand of the man who is trying to cut off both me and my son from God’s inheritance.’

 ¹⁷ “And now your servant says, ‘May the word of my lord the king secure my inheritance, for my lord the king is like an angel of God in discerning good and evil. May the LORD your God be with you.’”

 ¹⁸ Then the king said to the woman, “Don’t keep from me the answer to what I am going to ask you.”

   “Let my lord the king speak,” the woman said.

 ¹⁹ The king asked, “Isn’t the hand of Joab with you in all this?”

   The woman answered, “As surely as you live, my lord the king, no one can turn to the right or to the left from anything my lord the king says. Yes, it was your servant Joab who instructed me to do this and who put all these words into the mouth of your servant. ²⁰ Your servant Joab did this to change the present situation. My lord has wisdom like that of an angel of God—he knows everything that happens in the land.”

 ²¹ The king said to Joab, “Very well, I will do it. Go, bring back the young man Absalom.”

 ²² Joab fell with his face to the ground to pay him honor, and he blessed the king. Joab said, “Today your servant knows that he has found favor in your eyes, my lord the king, because the king has granted his servant’s request.”

 ²³ Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem. ²⁴ But the king said, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king.

 ²⁵ In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. ²⁶ Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels^[b] by the royal standard.

 ²⁷ Three sons and a daughter were born to Absalom. His daughter’s name was Tamar, and she became a beautiful woman.

 ²⁸ Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face. ²⁹ Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king, but Joab refused to come to him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come. ³⁰ Then he said to his servants, “Look, Joab’s field is next to mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire.” So Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.

 ³¹ Then Joab did go to Absalom’s house, and he said to him, “Why have your servants set my field on fire?”

 ³² Absalom said to Joab, “Look, I sent word to you and said, ‘Come here so I can send you to the king to ask, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there!”’ Now then, I want to see the king’s face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death.”

 ³³ So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom. 

I know, this may have been long and tedious but this story, like so many other stories of the Bible I am discovering really hit home for me today. Like so many others I have struggled with my relationship with the Lord. I have doubted, questioned and in a lot of ways truly rejected the ideas of the Church and not only the Church but of the Lord.  I always felt like the Church was a hypocritical place, a place where people came on Sunday morning and acted better then everyone else while Saturday night they sitting at the bar stool right next to me. I have realized... that although this is true in some situations... this is not the case for the majority of Christian believers.

As most of you know, I grew up in Maine, probably one of the non-Christian places on earth. We all claimed to believe but going to Church pretty much made us social outcasts. Church was not a place where most people went on Sunday morning and in fact, Church was a place that really didnt ring a bell of comfort to most of us. 

Moving to North Carolina for the first time was probably when I was first introduced to a church family. It was then that I met my first roommate Elizabeth Law. I can look back now and say that Elizabeth was probably the best roommate I could have asked for. She was kind and gental and loving. She was a good Christian. I remember she took me to her Church and invited me in with open arms and at that point I wanted to be part of something I knew was so important to the south, I wanted to fit in, so I went to Church. 

What I didn't realize is that I wasn't ready to meet the Lord as my savior. I went because I thought it was the thing to do, I didn't go because I wanted to. It took almost 10 years to meet the Lord on my own terms, or quite possibly, on his terms.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of how the Lord has impacted my life, if you want to know, jump back a few posts but I wanted to share the story of Absalom and Joab for a reason. 

You see the story of Absalom is pretty simple, he did some bad things and those bad things causes a "rift" in his relationship with his father, the King. His father sent him away to essentially think about his behaviors. After two years of thought, Absalom sent for his father though Joab, when Joab ignored his requests, he eventually burned his barley field.... Joab asked him why he would do that and Absalom replied... to get your attention. Has God ever burned one of your barley fields?

I bring this story up because it reminds me of my relationship with the Lord. Probably a lot of you have had a time that you ignored the Lord, but eventually, you too will have a barley field that burns down. I know that I pushed and pushed and pushed until eventually my barely field has been burned.... The Lord got my attention.

I am not saying that bad things happen to us because the Lord makes it that way, but would it be possible that maybe bad things happen to wake us up to the peace we get serving the Lord?

I have to admit that I am not someone who doesn't sin. I sin on a daily basis and I know it. I also know that I am a child of God and that he will forgive my sins. I still get away from him in spirit, in fact, I have steered away recently with thoughts or doubt, but I want to be back on track. I want to be a child of God. 

I know this blog is supposed to be about my diet but this space has opened up so much for me. I have a lot to heal and this space is helping me do that. I know airing my dirt may not be the perfect situation but I feel like for the most part, the people who read these are my true friends and truly want me to succeed, as I want all of you to.  To me, writing these posts give me hope for a new day, a day when I can open my eyes and see peace in my life, that day is coming I know it. I hope that those of you sticking with me will keep sticking with me on these and be inspired by some if not all of the words I say. I am not a healer, I am just a girl going though a lot of stuff on the inside, this release is amazing and the gift of sharing with you trumps that bar none.

Diet Update - Amazing :) Stay Tuned for the updates of the doctor visit and how I am working daily to improve my health

A Promise of Happiness

Be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead!"

                                                                  - I Peter 1:6

I have decided that my life is boring. I need and want to find my way and I think I am truly ready for the next step to do that. Don't get me wrong, I have loved spending time with my parents and I am not sure if moving out if the first thing on my list but I have got to get out and find people to hang out with. I miss going out. I miss shopping just because. I miss going dancing. I just miss being young.  I guess I am just ready to be me again. I am ready for a change of scenery.   

I have people all over the county that want me to move near them and that makes me feel wanted and I love that but I am not sure that I want to build a life without my parents close by. I am hoping that this time I will get a good job, find a great home, marry the right man, and build a family. I want my folks to be close to me for that. For the last four months we have suffered as a family and all we really have is each other. I don't want to lose that ever again. 

To those of you who want me close to you. Move Here! I know that is not possible for most of you but I would love it if all my loved ones would be close to me. I miss my friends so much. I sit here and cry all the time because I want my friends.... but I cant give up my parents at this point, its just not what my heart tells me to do... and probably for the first time in my life... I am doing what I want and basing my decision on nobody but me. 

You know how they say that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger? They are right. When you are going through your personal hells in life you don't want to hear that. It is the last thing you want to hear that things will be OK because all you see if your life spinning out of control. I probably heard statements like "it will all be ok" or "Things happen for a reason" or "you will be stronger for this in the end" a million times over the past four months and each time I heard those words I wanted to scream.  I know that people were trying to comfort me when they didn't know the words to say and I sincerely have great gratitude for that but at the time I hated hearing them. I realize now that those words have helped me go though something so traumatic to my soul that my whole body seemed to become completely frazzled. I knew then that I had people out there that truly loved me but I felt so alone on the inside.  As I look back today and recite those words and what they mean, I have great hope. 

In a crisis, people come together. You see this on the nightly news. When disaster strikes, people help people. On the surface, most people seem to be selfish, rude, mean and often distasteful but when something bad happens, you see people's true beauty. The selflessness of human souls. In the past few months I have learned that people do truly care about one another and that the surface of people is only the surface, true beauty is way deep down. 

My new mission is to display my internal beauty before it naturally comes out with a disaster.  I want people to be able to relay on me when they need me for the small things, not only for those awful occasions. I want to be selfless all of the time not just when everyone else is. My goal is to smile and laugh and to enjoy life because all we have is the life we have now. Life is too short to worry about small things, life is precious and we should embrace it with each other not alone. 

Happiness is based upon us. We decide if we are happy. Yeah.... life throws curve balls and I know that I will have days that I would like to turn over and not get up.  I am not a superhero, I can not make everyone like me or smile back but I am going to give it my best shot. 

As far as my diet goes, I am losing, very slowly... but I am losing a little. I am working on eating well and changing my lifestyle, not just dieting. I want to be skinny but if I never am an toothpick I am going to cry about it. I am going to go to MacKenzie's wedding in October and be proud of who I am. I have lost a lot of weight, I know that and someday, I will see it.... But I know I feel better about who I am. 

My mom made a good point today. As I was looking at dresses I might wear to the wedding I made a comment "well it doesn't matter what I wear I am going to look like a cow anyway." She quickly replied and said... "well you were excited to buy your wedding dress and you were almost a size 30 so I dont know what your problem is? Have you seen your wedding pictures?" 

The truth... I honest to God do not see a difference in myself now and then... but I know... if only by pure fact that I am a size 14...and my wedding dress was close to a 30 so out of pure fact, I have to look better then that....

I am going tomorrow to the Doctor. I have been having some symptoms that indicate that something may be going on in my body to not be losing. Not mentioning the slow weight loss, I find myself freezing all the time. I know its winter but I get so cold that my hands and feed throb, even in the house. I wear 2-4 pairs of socks at all times and usually big house boots. I wear Uggs outside but still I freeze. If you touch my toes or fingers they will be ice I promise. Also I have been tired a whole lot. Somedays getting up by noon is a struggle. I have researched this online and I have read that sometimes your hormones get out of wack after a major surgery like I had so I want to make sure nothing is seriously wrong. I will keep everyone updated. In a way I hope something is wrong but fixable because this freezing bit sucks... I have problems going to sleep because I am so cold... this is not once in a while... this is every single night.

Oh The Frustration

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

Psalm 4:4

Tonight I am frustrated. I have not eaten one bite of refined sugar for a whole week and somehow have not lost a pound. Not once have I cheated, not even a little bit. I have eaten around 1200 calories a day and left out all sugar, white bread, pasta and just junk but I cant seem to get down at all. I am so frustrated its like I am stuck hoovering just over 200lbs! Its like to get under 200 is not a possibility for me! 

I just want to say F it but somehow I keep on plugging.... for what I don't know! I know my exercise is not the best but I am trying with that too.... and I know... at least the hundreds of research and dietitians I have gone to tell me that if I eat less then I burn then I should lose weight.... where the hell is the results?? 

I'm sorry I am so cranky but I just don't get how I cant lose weight. What is going on? I'm eating enough so I am not starving my body... so whats the deal? 

The Bible says... "in your anger do not sin" so although I want to go get a big mac I wont because in all reality that would be sinning... maybe not to God but to myself. I know that with time it will work out right? Diets suck by the way! 

Besides not losing any weight things are OK. I cant work because they cant stay in school long enough to need subs which is kind of frustrating. I guess when I run out of money I will run out of food and eventually lose weight. 

Valentines Day is coming... I had a thought the other night that I don't hate valentines day, I hate that I have never had any man do anything for me that day and so it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me hate myself because I have never been important enough to even get a heart of candy or a card or a simple "Happy Valentines Day". Yes I have said that people should love each other everyday but I have decided that if I ever find a man again.... I want things like valentines day... why not? I am special enough.... if you cant handle that... don't have me! 

Wow... Missy is feisty tonight... I kinda like this new me :) 

I guess I am just realizing people are lairs and I hate that. I am just realizing that I have to trust myself and be very careful with the rest of the world. We live in a world full of users and manipulators and I don't want to be a part of that... I want to be real and live with real people not a bunch of fakers who only talk to you because they have a hidden agenda somewhere... If it seems to good to be true... it most likely is. Just a Thought. 

So my conclusion... even though I hate that I cant lose... I am not giving up... I will reach 199 eventually... I have too. I'm not gaining which is a plus I am just sitting here like a lump on a log... I guess my body has been over 200 that its confused.... it wont know what to do if it goes under 200.... yeah... that's it :)

A Challenge

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

So I have been in hibernation mode for the last few days. It has been cold and dark out for days and I felt no reason to go outside. I asked people if it was bad that I hadn't gone out in days and most of them really didn't say no. I'm not depressed really I just am comfortable in the house and I'm not alone usually Mom is with me and I'm just enjoying the little bit of down time I have because sooner then later I will be a working girl again.

I have also been trying to avoid the food outside of the house. Its hard enough to pass by my Dad's chip cabinet or his cookie corner but outside I have to pass by the McDonald and pizza huts and all that tasty crap that I am trying to cut out of my life. Its a struggle... its a huge struggle but I am trying really hard and so far its been 4 days of not one refined sugar.... honestly, I feel like I am quitting smoking not quitting eating junk.

Tonight... I face a challenge. My parents have just ordered Chinese food. Oh I love Chinese food. From the soups to the breaded fatty chickens to the egg rolls... ohhh I love it all. They asked me what I wanted and I at first said well I can just have an egg roll... I proceeded to go check out calories on those little buggers and didn't like what I saw. I knew that if I ate a 250 calorie egg roll it wouldn't ruin my day but it wouldn't make me feel any better... and what if my food addiction theory is true and I eat that deep fried egg roll... knowing me I will want more... and those cravings are hard to come by so I ordered nothing. I am challenging myself to not take a bite of any of it.. 

I made my dinner and it actually was good and the truth is right now I am not hungry. I took whole wheat spinach spaghetti (Dad says it looks like green worms) and mixed in turkey sausage and diced tomatoes and baked it all together. It was actually quite yummy and it was filled with fiber and whole wheat and protein. I was going to add cheese on top but I figured that it would just add more fat that I really didn't need.

I have printed out a lot or core exercises that I can do on the ball and I am going to make a whole area to hang those pictures and directions up. This way if I don't do anything else in a day I can work on these key moves to help tone my body. 

I am also working on a gym plan and going to start back hard Monday. 

Wish me luck in the fight to keep the Chinese food out of my mouth... Here goes...

A Clear Up

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven".

Luke 6:37 

I want to clear something up with everyone. I do not binge and then throw up.  I mentioned in my blog a few days ago that I eat too much and then I throw up. That is true... but you have to remember I had a surgery that made my stomach a little bigger then a walnut. I do overeat sometimes but its not hard to do. I guess in a way it is binging but its not something that is planned. I just get this "I don't care" attitude and I eat more then my tiny stomach will allow. 9 times out of 10 it is not a planned thing. 

Another thing that I have learned from this surgery is that I often do help the process of throwing up because food gets stuck in my chest and it feels like I have a big boot stepping on my chest, this again is normal and OK as long as its not happening everyday because the truth is, when you have to do this you have eaten too much. I don't even think the food makes it to my stomach its just kind of stuck because my itty bitty belly cant hold anymore.

I have had more then one person come to me concerned about a possible bulimic issue and I am convinced that is not the case and I wanted to re-assure this to others. 

I have contacted my nutritionist about some issues I am having with the nutrition part of this but again this battle is my battle and not hers, I am hoping, like many of the people who write on here, she will give me hints and ideas on how to eat right.

The thing about eating right is that we all know what we should eat and shouldn't eat but somehow we often just don't. I don't really get it. I would think that if we all know whats right why do so many of us do it wrong? I grew up in Weight Watchers and the Adkins Diet and all those other diets that promise a healthy weight and I think they all work (some not as nutritional as others). The problem is that people cant stick to them. Diets are not something that works, lifestyle changes are. 

Yes, right now I still have at least 60lbs to lose and yes right now I am restricting my calorie intake but I am also working on a lifestyle change. Things like cutting out white... white is bad and even if I am not dieting... white should still not be part of any diet. I honestly feel better not eating white breads, pastas, rices and sugars. Things like changing snacks from worthless 100 calories cookies to a sugar free peach with cottage cheese or an apple with natural peanut butter. Both of those choices not only fill you up much better then like 2 damn cookies but also help keep you healthy.

Every single time I have put myself on a diet and thought I knew how to do it I have learned something new about what foods should be eaten and what foods should be avoided all other. This time I am learning from you, my readers which is absolutely inspiring.

As for exercise... I have began developing a plan and by Monday I will have one all set up. I am a visual learner so I am going to have to have some kind of plan on paper and not just talk about it. I am working on it. I'm thinking 3 days a week arms (my flabbiest areas), 2 legs 2 core (with daily abs). We will see how it all works out though. Cardio is my killer, I have GOT to find something I like... So far I hate it all. Honestly I think I try to make it too hard too fast. I have to realize that I am still a big girl and running a 12minute mile may not be possible right now. I just feel like if I don't push myself with cardio I wont get anywhere...What would you guys suggest?

Another Question - What would you guys think about some kind of online support group? We could even have a competition (those are always fun right)? Let me know if anyone has any interest in that?

The Challenge Continues

            A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Well I just just completed day two of my challenge I have made for myself. The challenge to not have any processed sugars and fats. Thus far I have not cheated not once and truthfully not really had a craving for anything. It seems thus far that giving up cold turkey is easier then trying to use worthless calorie foods as part of my diet plan. I obviously say that we caution because it is only day two and anyone can eat good for two days.

I have took in less then 1200 calories and because my foods have been more healthy I have been able to eat a little bit more and feel full more often. I am going back on the more smaller meals more often for this because in all reality it works for me. 

My day today included:

* a breakfast of  1/4 cup dry whole oats and a banana with 1tbsp of natural peanut butter.  

* a lunch of a turkey sandwich on a deli-flat with lettuce, tomato and mustard

* a mid-afternoon snack of a small apple with 1tbsp of natural peanut butter

* 2-3 ounces of eye of the round (very lean) beef and a small sweet potato and broccoli 

* 1/2 cup of cottage cheese mixed with no sugar added peaches 

* my midnight whole wheat toast. 

I of course take a lot of vitamins to supplement my bypass so I am defiantly getting enough nutrients.

It seems like a lot but really its not a whole lot and I count calories very closely... today I used 1,057.

I feel really good about my eating thus far which is great! I feel good

Now the bad part... Exercise... I have not done a good job with it. I haven't been to the gym all week. I hate doing this I just can not find the motivation. I liked going last week with Meredith so maybe I can start that back up.  I'm just so lazy when it comes to it. What can make this exercise thing better? 

My goal right now is to continue to eat good until next Monday and then hopefully start a new routine that fits my needs and goals. I am going to do some research and hopefully find something fun and exciting to do... (wishful thinking I know). 

I hate having to come on here and admitting my shortcomings but I think in a way it helps motivate me. When I have to admit how lazy I am I tend to get off my ass and do something about it. Hopefully that will work this time. 

I am probably going to start working next week so maybe I can get a better schedule too... that may help because I am one of those people who get more done when they have more to do...

A New Plan For Success.

And be not drunken with wine, wherein is riot, but be filled with the Spirit

Ephesians 5:18

So since my last post a few hours ago I have been researching this food addiction theory I have unraveled. After talking to my great friend Renee and reading several articles on the subject here is what I have come up with. This is not a thesis statement by any means but this is how I am going to use it to better my diet.

Research Conclusion 1 - We have to eat to live so technically we can not be addicted to the act of eating nor all foods.

Research Conclusion 2 - Certain foods cause the brain to over-react like I was talking about earlier but not all foods do this. According to my research, the foods that cause a certain pleasure sensation are foods that are produced using excess sugars, fats and high fructose corn syrup.

Missy Conclusion 1 - I do not sneak foods that are actually good for me such as veggies, fruits, whole grains or low fat proteins. When I do hide foods its fatty foods that are not healthy in anyway. 

Missy Conclusion 2 - Once I have one of fatty or sugar loaded food I want more and more. These foods have no nutritional value and me eating them is just wasting calories. 

Renee Conclusion 1 - Even when we buy gimmick like a 100 calorie pack, those products do not kill the craving or fill you up they just leave you wanting more. These products are only meant to be a mental smokescreen if you well but if you are addicted to the actual fat and sugar this will only hinder what you are doing. 

My point is this. If by chance that there is such a thing as a food addiction it is not to all food but only certain parts of foods. We can not be addicted to actual food but I can buy that fat and sugar can be an addictive additive.  Most people have experienced the "once you start you cant stop" phenomenon, but has anyone experienced that when eating a yogurt, salad or piece of baked chicken. When eating the right kinds of foods we usually don't over-eat... we over eat on junk.

Solution: 

As scary as this sounds I have obviously found a solution to this could be food addiction. When we cure an alcoholic we stop drinking all together, when we quit smoking most people who succeed quit "cold turkey", and drug addicts have to quit hard and usually in a safe and highly structured facility. If by chance I am addicted to certain foods I have to give those foods up all together. I can not flirt with a cheeseburger when I have a craving or have just a bite of cake or just a couple potato chips. I have to give them up 100%. If I don't go all out I will not succeed.  

This plan does not include a low fat cookie or a baked lays chip it included foods that are healthy. 

So I am giving myself this quest: One week no junk. Not even one bite of cookies, candy, ice cream, chips, hot dogs (you get the picture). I will only shop at the perimeter of the grocery store.

In one week we will re-assess this and see what happens but I am willing to give it a try. I of course will update my feelings on a day to day basis. 

Is Food To Blame?

Food Addiction – Are You a Food Addict?
 
Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food.

One need only ask themselves a few key questions to determine his or her addiction:

• Do you eat when you are not hungry or when you feel low or depressed? Yes
• Do you eat in secret or eat differently in front of others than when you’re alone?Yes
• Do you consume inordinate amounts of food and then purge later with vomiting or laxatives to get rid of the excess? Yes
• Are there foods that are harmful to you, but you eat them anyway? Yes
• Do you feel guilty after eating? Yes

If you can answer yes to any of these questions than you are likely addicted to food. 

I share this article with you and my answers because this is a subject that has just began to spark my interest. I was watching Dr. Oz yesterday... and let me just say that before I credit Dr. Oz I am not a huge fan of him. Anyways his show had on a bunch of overweight women who claimed that they were addicted to food. I first decided it was bullshit because people are fat because they want to fat right? I'm a fat person and I say that... I know I am fat because I didn't or don't work hard enough to be skinny.  

During the show these three women confessed to things that I have done... and sometimes still do. They would hide food, eat in private, hide wrappers, go out just to get food, think about food every minute, eat to much and then throw it up and of course feel guilty about their decisions after they used these behaviors. In a way I think we all do these things once in a while, I think the problem lies when we do this more then once or twice and it becomes part of our everyday lives. 

I wanna talk about my habits now because in the past I did absolutely eat in private, hide food and feel guilty. I was 317lbs and my body showed all my secrets. Yes my "eating" patterns stuck right out there on my huge body. Now though I shouldn't be still using these behaviors. Here is the truth... something I haven't shared with anyone post surgery. 

1. I eat all the time. I eat when I'm not hungry or when I'm sad or happy or friggen pissed off. I eat carbs because I can keep down a bag of chips and the idea of having a bag of chips in front of me is a joy.

2.  I absolutely eat by myself. I get up every single night and find something to eat. I often think about what I can eat when no one is around. I find that I cant go to the Wal-mart without stopping at McDonald's for something and not having to tell someone where I was. 

3. I over eat at least once a day. When I first had surgery, obviously I threw up a lot but now I only do when I overeat... the thing is I find myself throwing up way more then I should.  I have taught myself that I can overeat... make myself throw up... and if I wanted eat again. I have only done that once or twice but I do do it which is probably not productive of my diet plan. 

4. I eat whatever I want even when I know I will be sick. I can not eat ice cream yet last night I had a big bowl of ice cream.... I then am sick but yet I do this. I know others do this too but why would anyone put themselves though that. I should not be eating junk and yet I find that if I don't eat it I cant function.  

5. I feel guilty after every single bite I take. I never ever ever eat without feeling guilty. I could eat a cracker and feel guilty. My guilt about eating consumes me. 

I answer these questions in details because I am looking for answers. On the show yesterday a specialist came on and said that food addiction is just like any other addiction. When you eat junk food it triggers the pleasure center in your brain and fires off neurons called dopamine. This is the same process when people drink or take hits of drugs. Knowing a little bit about how the brain works I understand what she is saying and am intrigued to look deeper into it. I don't completely buy that there can be food addicts around us but I guess it is a possibility and if this problem does exist I would probably one of those unlucky ones who suffer from it. I guess if some people can drink a lot but still control their alcohol then some people can eat a lot and not be food addicts right?

I have never ever blamed anyone or anything for my weight except for me and I am not sure that I will ever blame this but I would like to look further into it because if I understand whats going on with me maybe I can take it from a different angle. Has anyone heard of this? What are your feelings of it? 

From what I just wrote you might have gathered my diet once again fell through the cracks. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I fall off the train more then I can stay on. I want to stay on but I see something yummy and off I go. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I feel awful about it but often times it feels out of my control. I make excuses all the damn time. oh I don't feel good, oh just one cookie, oh I can have a bad day today and them tomorrow it will be better. I HATE EXCUSES but yet I find myself in the midst of them constantly.  

Tomorrow is a new day and I think I'm going to try to set smaller goals such as "stay on the wagon for a whole week and see how you feel at the end of that week," Maybe if I can see results I will be motivated to keep going.  This is Awful...

The Effect of Broken Promises

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?Romans 8:31

 

It has been a rough couple of days for me. I have pretty much been a mess on the inside. I have felt lonely, guilty, scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, alone, worthless, despaired, deceived, undesirable, unloved and so many other feelings I cant even describe. 

My life, as most of you know has been flipped upside down and topsy turvy into a million different directions in just a short amount of time, and although I put up a front most of the time about how I am feeling.... It really sucks. 

In North Carolina I knew who I was. I was a teacher. I had purpose. I had a place to go everyday and I was able to give back to my students. I was expected to show up somewhere and I was expected to do my job in a professional way. I was believed in. I was cared for. I was worth something.

 

Even after Brian left me for that  miserable witch I still had a sense of belonging because I had my job and I made some incredible friends who were there for me when I needed them most. I had purpose and I knew who I was. Yes, when he left I felt that my world was falling apart but I got over that quick. I picked myself up and moved on and really didn't regret who I was or who I was becoming. Oh and then.... that time... I had my best friend Kris... Now... Kris is the heart breaker

This time is different. I gave up everything I had for him. I gave up my job because he promised I would get a better one. I gave up my home because he promised that we would build a home together here. I gave up my friends because he promised I would make new ones. I gave up my classes because he promised I would be able to go back to school. I gave up everything because he promised that we would be happier... but guess what... I'm miserable. 

I hate him for what he has done to me. I hate him for the broken promises. I hate him for leaving me in this mess... and not only me but my family. He didn't just promise me the world he promised my family the world and he just walked out on us all. I hate him for who he has become. The man I married has died and I can not grieve because he will not allow me to...

 

Who does that? Just walks away? How much of a coward do you have to be to just walk out on everything you have built with someone? Do you know I have not heard one friggin word from him since he drove away in October? How messed up is that? I try to put myself in his shoes but I cant. I am not that selfish, I am not that mean. I mean if I wasn't what he wanted why didn't he tell me that instead of riding off into the sunset promising me he would come get me.... yeah... bull. 

I feel incredibility guilty because I still have these feelings. I cant let go like he did. I cant just walk away. I know people don't want to hear me cry about this but It is killing me inside. I don't want him back but in a crazy messed up way, I miss him. He always taught me that hate and love run a fine line and its when you don't care that you lose all feelings. I do care... I pray every single night that he is OK. I don't want to care, but I do. Will I ever stop caring?

I want to find love because at this point I don't really believe that I will. So far every endeavor in love I have taken has failed miserably with my broken heart. I'm not sure I know what it feels like to be loved. I want someone who will make me a teammate in life and I am so afraid that I will never find that person. I am not desperate by any means but I am lonely and scared and wish that I had someone to lean on when times are this tough. 

My goals are simple. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to go back to school, get married, have a baby, build a home and live life one day at a time. I just want to be happy and I am so scared I will never find happiness again. What if I wasted my chance on love by marrying the person who broke my heart... the only person I thought I loved..

I have friends that are going through so much more then me and as I am there for them I cant help but think about my life at the same time. I am just so miserable in my mind all the time. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know how to find myself again. 

I sometimes think that I use this diet as a way to control something in my life (though sometimes even food controls me). I cant control how I am feeling so I diet, I can control  what I eat for the most part. I tell myself that if I get skinny enough I will find love. If I get skinny enough I will find a job. If I get skinny enough I will be happy. But what happens if I get skinny and I still don't have the things I want from life? How skinny can one person get? What will be my crutch after that? 

I want to be happy with myself so bad. I want to be proud of myself again. I want to find a job that has meaning and that I can make my own. I want to meet people and be the fun loving person I used to be. I hate my life right now and I cant help that. I try to go through the positives every single day. I lay in bed and list all the good things I have but sometimes those good things don't outweigh the miserable. 

I just want to be in control of who I am again. 

I am sorry if this rant is more then you can handle. I am not out here to spill my dirt or rant on him because the truth is I want him to be happy. I just am upset and people don't seem to realize that the shit that has happened to me REALLY effects me. I am a master faker I suppose. I guess I am just tired of faking. I need help and I'm not sure anyone can really help me.