A Much Needed Update

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I told you on Thursday night that I was going to the doctor on Friday. I told you that my hands and feet freeze and that I cant lose weight. Here were the results.... 

Exercise more! Yes I am serious, the one thing I hate to do is the only way to lose weight for me. I left that office so depressed and literally pissed off that I wanted to scream. Its crazy to think that no matter how little I eat, I have to keep upping my exercise routines... forever! Goah! 

The doctor, whom I do trust, told me that basically what happens when you lose weight is that your body tries to keep the weight on, it doesn't know that its not losing something vial... The way that your body does that is to first slow down your metabolism... sometimes to a roaring stop... so if your body gets used to one routine of exercise you have to compensate... its really messed up for those of us who need to lose weight but in nature is probably a great defense mechanism... too bad we aren't in nature we are in the real world!

I went home and pondered what the hell I was going to do. I hate exercising as it, how am I going to do more! I finally decided that part of my issue is that I don't have a routine to go by and truthfully I don't know what the hell I am doing when I go to the gym I just go.  I decided that I am going to use what I have, so I am going to use the trainers that exist within my gym. I am going to have someone who knows what they are doing to set me up a schedule to intensify my movement level and help my metabolism push harder. 

Yes, I am still floating over 200. If I use the Wii, I'm 202 but the doctor said I was 214... 10 days ago at the doctor I was 220 so we are making progress its just my actual weight is somewhere within that range. 

I have felt bad today. My head is killing me and has been all day. I blame the weather since it was like 30 degrees a couple days ago and now its 50. I hate when the weather does crazy things it makes me feel bad and when I feel bad I want comfort foods and to just lay around... blah! 

As far as eating goes... I have done good so far. The other night I did have a 1X1 inch piece of baklava, which was terrible for me but I figured what the hell it cant kill me. When I had that I just psyched myself up to say "this is one treat it is not the end of your diet" and so far that has worked. Besides that I have not fallen off once. But I am probably eating the best I can and still not losing weight because of the damn lack of exercise... blah! This is ridiculous! 

I'm tired and probably gonna try to go to bed early... I thought I would update the whole diet progress  :) 

Hope everyone else is doing good!

An Inspiring Day

I want to first share a Bible Story. I am going to explain it in reference to my life after but reading it may help you understand it. 

It comes from the Second Book of Samuel Chapter 14.

Absalom Returns to Jerusalem

 ¹ Joab son of Zeruiah knew that the king’s heart longed for Absalom. ² So Joab sent someone to Tekoa and had a wise woman brought from there. He said to her, “Pretend you are in mourning. Dress in mourning clothes, and don’t use any cosmetic lotions. Act like a woman who has spent many days grieving for the dead. ³ Then go to the king and speak these words to him.” And Joab put the words in her mouth.

 ⁴ When the woman from Tekoa went^[a] to the king, she fell with her face to the ground to pay him honor, and she said, “Help me, Your Majesty!”

 ⁵ The king asked her, “What is troubling you?”

   She said, “I am a widow; my husband is dead. ⁶ I your servant had two sons. They got into a fight with each other in the field, and no one was there to separate them. One struck the other and killed him. ⁷ Now the whole clan has risen up against your servant; they say, ‘Hand over the one who struck his brother down, so that we may put him to death for the life of his brother whom he killed; then we will get rid of the heir as well.’ They would put out the only burning coal I have left, leaving my husband neither name nor descendant on the face of the earth.”

 ⁸ The king said to the woman, “Go home, and I will issue an order in your behalf.”

 ⁹ But the woman from Tekoa said to him, “Let my lord the king pardon me and my family, and let the king and his throne be without guilt.”

 ¹⁰ The king replied, “If anyone says anything to you, bring them to me, and they will not bother you again.”

 ¹¹ She said, “Then let the king invoke the LORD his God to prevent the avenger of blood from adding to the destruction, so that my son will not be destroyed.”

   “As surely as the LORD lives,” he said, “not one hair of your son’s head will fall to the ground.”

 ¹² Then the woman said, “Let your servant speak a word to my lord the king.”

   “Speak,” he replied.

 ¹³ The woman said, “Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has not brought back his banished son? ¹⁴ Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But that is not what God desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him.

 ¹⁵ “And now I have come to say this to my lord the king because the people have made me afraid. Your servant thought, ‘I will speak to the king; perhaps he will grant his servant’s request. ¹⁶ Perhaps the king will agree to deliver his servant from the hand of the man who is trying to cut off both me and my son from God’s inheritance.’

 ¹⁷ “And now your servant says, ‘May the word of my lord the king secure my inheritance, for my lord the king is like an angel of God in discerning good and evil. May the LORD your God be with you.’”

 ¹⁸ Then the king said to the woman, “Don’t keep from me the answer to what I am going to ask you.”

   “Let my lord the king speak,” the woman said.

 ¹⁹ The king asked, “Isn’t the hand of Joab with you in all this?”

   The woman answered, “As surely as you live, my lord the king, no one can turn to the right or to the left from anything my lord the king says. Yes, it was your servant Joab who instructed me to do this and who put all these words into the mouth of your servant. ²⁰ Your servant Joab did this to change the present situation. My lord has wisdom like that of an angel of God—he knows everything that happens in the land.”

 ²¹ The king said to Joab, “Very well, I will do it. Go, bring back the young man Absalom.”

 ²² Joab fell with his face to the ground to pay him honor, and he blessed the king. Joab said, “Today your servant knows that he has found favor in your eyes, my lord the king, because the king has granted his servant’s request.”

 ²³ Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem. ²⁴ But the king said, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king.

 ²⁵ In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. ²⁶ Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels^[b] by the royal standard.

 ²⁷ Three sons and a daughter were born to Absalom. His daughter’s name was Tamar, and she became a beautiful woman.

 ²⁸ Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face. ²⁹ Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king, but Joab refused to come to him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come. ³⁰ Then he said to his servants, “Look, Joab’s field is next to mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire.” So Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.

 ³¹ Then Joab did go to Absalom’s house, and he said to him, “Why have your servants set my field on fire?”

 ³² Absalom said to Joab, “Look, I sent word to you and said, ‘Come here so I can send you to the king to ask, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there!”’ Now then, I want to see the king’s face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death.”

 ³³ So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom. 

I know, this may have been long and tedious but this story, like so many other stories of the Bible I am discovering really hit home for me today. Like so many others I have struggled with my relationship with the Lord. I have doubted, questioned and in a lot of ways truly rejected the ideas of the Church and not only the Church but of the Lord.  I always felt like the Church was a hypocritical place, a place where people came on Sunday morning and acted better then everyone else while Saturday night they sitting at the bar stool right next to me. I have realized... that although this is true in some situations... this is not the case for the majority of Christian believers.

As most of you know, I grew up in Maine, probably one of the non-Christian places on earth. We all claimed to believe but going to Church pretty much made us social outcasts. Church was not a place where most people went on Sunday morning and in fact, Church was a place that really didnt ring a bell of comfort to most of us. 

Moving to North Carolina for the first time was probably when I was first introduced to a church family. It was then that I met my first roommate Elizabeth Law. I can look back now and say that Elizabeth was probably the best roommate I could have asked for. She was kind and gental and loving. She was a good Christian. I remember she took me to her Church and invited me in with open arms and at that point I wanted to be part of something I knew was so important to the south, I wanted to fit in, so I went to Church. 

What I didn't realize is that I wasn't ready to meet the Lord as my savior. I went because I thought it was the thing to do, I didn't go because I wanted to. It took almost 10 years to meet the Lord on my own terms, or quite possibly, on his terms.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of how the Lord has impacted my life, if you want to know, jump back a few posts but I wanted to share the story of Absalom and Joab for a reason. 

You see the story of Absalom is pretty simple, he did some bad things and those bad things causes a "rift" in his relationship with his father, the King. His father sent him away to essentially think about his behaviors. After two years of thought, Absalom sent for his father though Joab, when Joab ignored his requests, he eventually burned his barley field.... Joab asked him why he would do that and Absalom replied... to get your attention. Has God ever burned one of your barley fields?

I bring this story up because it reminds me of my relationship with the Lord. Probably a lot of you have had a time that you ignored the Lord, but eventually, you too will have a barley field that burns down. I know that I pushed and pushed and pushed until eventually my barely field has been burned.... The Lord got my attention.

I am not saying that bad things happen to us because the Lord makes it that way, but would it be possible that maybe bad things happen to wake us up to the peace we get serving the Lord?

I have to admit that I am not someone who doesn't sin. I sin on a daily basis and I know it. I also know that I am a child of God and that he will forgive my sins. I still get away from him in spirit, in fact, I have steered away recently with thoughts or doubt, but I want to be back on track. I want to be a child of God. 

I know this blog is supposed to be about my diet but this space has opened up so much for me. I have a lot to heal and this space is helping me do that. I know airing my dirt may not be the perfect situation but I feel like for the most part, the people who read these are my true friends and truly want me to succeed, as I want all of you to.  To me, writing these posts give me hope for a new day, a day when I can open my eyes and see peace in my life, that day is coming I know it. I hope that those of you sticking with me will keep sticking with me on these and be inspired by some if not all of the words I say. I am not a healer, I am just a girl going though a lot of stuff on the inside, this release is amazing and the gift of sharing with you trumps that bar none.

Diet Update - Amazing :) Stay Tuned for the updates of the doctor visit and how I am working daily to improve my health

A Promise of Happiness

Be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead!"

                                                                  - I Peter 1:6

I have decided that my life is boring. I need and want to find my way and I think I am truly ready for the next step to do that. Don't get me wrong, I have loved spending time with my parents and I am not sure if moving out if the first thing on my list but I have got to get out and find people to hang out with. I miss going out. I miss shopping just because. I miss going dancing. I just miss being young.  I guess I am just ready to be me again. I am ready for a change of scenery.   

I have people all over the county that want me to move near them and that makes me feel wanted and I love that but I am not sure that I want to build a life without my parents close by. I am hoping that this time I will get a good job, find a great home, marry the right man, and build a family. I want my folks to be close to me for that. For the last four months we have suffered as a family and all we really have is each other. I don't want to lose that ever again. 

To those of you who want me close to you. Move Here! I know that is not possible for most of you but I would love it if all my loved ones would be close to me. I miss my friends so much. I sit here and cry all the time because I want my friends.... but I cant give up my parents at this point, its just not what my heart tells me to do... and probably for the first time in my life... I am doing what I want and basing my decision on nobody but me. 

You know how they say that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger? They are right. When you are going through your personal hells in life you don't want to hear that. It is the last thing you want to hear that things will be OK because all you see if your life spinning out of control. I probably heard statements like "it will all be ok" or "Things happen for a reason" or "you will be stronger for this in the end" a million times over the past four months and each time I heard those words I wanted to scream.  I know that people were trying to comfort me when they didn't know the words to say and I sincerely have great gratitude for that but at the time I hated hearing them. I realize now that those words have helped me go though something so traumatic to my soul that my whole body seemed to become completely frazzled. I knew then that I had people out there that truly loved me but I felt so alone on the inside.  As I look back today and recite those words and what they mean, I have great hope. 

In a crisis, people come together. You see this on the nightly news. When disaster strikes, people help people. On the surface, most people seem to be selfish, rude, mean and often distasteful but when something bad happens, you see people's true beauty. The selflessness of human souls. In the past few months I have learned that people do truly care about one another and that the surface of people is only the surface, true beauty is way deep down. 

My new mission is to display my internal beauty before it naturally comes out with a disaster.  I want people to be able to relay on me when they need me for the small things, not only for those awful occasions. I want to be selfless all of the time not just when everyone else is. My goal is to smile and laugh and to enjoy life because all we have is the life we have now. Life is too short to worry about small things, life is precious and we should embrace it with each other not alone. 

Happiness is based upon us. We decide if we are happy. Yeah.... life throws curve balls and I know that I will have days that I would like to turn over and not get up.  I am not a superhero, I can not make everyone like me or smile back but I am going to give it my best shot. 

As far as my diet goes, I am losing, very slowly... but I am losing a little. I am working on eating well and changing my lifestyle, not just dieting. I want to be skinny but if I never am an toothpick I am going to cry about it. I am going to go to MacKenzie's wedding in October and be proud of who I am. I have lost a lot of weight, I know that and someday, I will see it.... But I know I feel better about who I am. 

My mom made a good point today. As I was looking at dresses I might wear to the wedding I made a comment "well it doesn't matter what I wear I am going to look like a cow anyway." She quickly replied and said... "well you were excited to buy your wedding dress and you were almost a size 30 so I dont know what your problem is? Have you seen your wedding pictures?" 

The truth... I honest to God do not see a difference in myself now and then... but I know... if only by pure fact that I am a size 14...and my wedding dress was close to a 30 so out of pure fact, I have to look better then that....

I am going tomorrow to the Doctor. I have been having some symptoms that indicate that something may be going on in my body to not be losing. Not mentioning the slow weight loss, I find myself freezing all the time. I know its winter but I get so cold that my hands and feed throb, even in the house. I wear 2-4 pairs of socks at all times and usually big house boots. I wear Uggs outside but still I freeze. If you touch my toes or fingers they will be ice I promise. Also I have been tired a whole lot. Somedays getting up by noon is a struggle. I have researched this online and I have read that sometimes your hormones get out of wack after a major surgery like I had so I want to make sure nothing is seriously wrong. I will keep everyone updated. In a way I hope something is wrong but fixable because this freezing bit sucks... I have problems going to sleep because I am so cold... this is not once in a while... this is every single night.

Oh The Frustration

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

Psalm 4:4

Tonight I am frustrated. I have not eaten one bite of refined sugar for a whole week and somehow have not lost a pound. Not once have I cheated, not even a little bit. I have eaten around 1200 calories a day and left out all sugar, white bread, pasta and just junk but I cant seem to get down at all. I am so frustrated its like I am stuck hoovering just over 200lbs! Its like to get under 200 is not a possibility for me! 

I just want to say F it but somehow I keep on plugging.... for what I don't know! I know my exercise is not the best but I am trying with that too.... and I know... at least the hundreds of research and dietitians I have gone to tell me that if I eat less then I burn then I should lose weight.... where the hell is the results?? 

I'm sorry I am so cranky but I just don't get how I cant lose weight. What is going on? I'm eating enough so I am not starving my body... so whats the deal? 

The Bible says... "in your anger do not sin" so although I want to go get a big mac I wont because in all reality that would be sinning... maybe not to God but to myself. I know that with time it will work out right? Diets suck by the way! 

Besides not losing any weight things are OK. I cant work because they cant stay in school long enough to need subs which is kind of frustrating. I guess when I run out of money I will run out of food and eventually lose weight. 

Valentines Day is coming... I had a thought the other night that I don't hate valentines day, I hate that I have never had any man do anything for me that day and so it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me hate myself because I have never been important enough to even get a heart of candy or a card or a simple "Happy Valentines Day". Yes I have said that people should love each other everyday but I have decided that if I ever find a man again.... I want things like valentines day... why not? I am special enough.... if you cant handle that... don't have me! 

Wow... Missy is feisty tonight... I kinda like this new me :) 

I guess I am just realizing people are lairs and I hate that. I am just realizing that I have to trust myself and be very careful with the rest of the world. We live in a world full of users and manipulators and I don't want to be a part of that... I want to be real and live with real people not a bunch of fakers who only talk to you because they have a hidden agenda somewhere... If it seems to good to be true... it most likely is. Just a Thought. 

So my conclusion... even though I hate that I cant lose... I am not giving up... I will reach 199 eventually... I have too. I'm not gaining which is a plus I am just sitting here like a lump on a log... I guess my body has been over 200 that its confused.... it wont know what to do if it goes under 200.... yeah... that's it :)

A Challenge

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

So I have been in hibernation mode for the last few days. It has been cold and dark out for days and I felt no reason to go outside. I asked people if it was bad that I hadn't gone out in days and most of them really didn't say no. I'm not depressed really I just am comfortable in the house and I'm not alone usually Mom is with me and I'm just enjoying the little bit of down time I have because sooner then later I will be a working girl again.

I have also been trying to avoid the food outside of the house. Its hard enough to pass by my Dad's chip cabinet or his cookie corner but outside I have to pass by the McDonald and pizza huts and all that tasty crap that I am trying to cut out of my life. Its a struggle... its a huge struggle but I am trying really hard and so far its been 4 days of not one refined sugar.... honestly, I feel like I am quitting smoking not quitting eating junk.

Tonight... I face a challenge. My parents have just ordered Chinese food. Oh I love Chinese food. From the soups to the breaded fatty chickens to the egg rolls... ohhh I love it all. They asked me what I wanted and I at first said well I can just have an egg roll... I proceeded to go check out calories on those little buggers and didn't like what I saw. I knew that if I ate a 250 calorie egg roll it wouldn't ruin my day but it wouldn't make me feel any better... and what if my food addiction theory is true and I eat that deep fried egg roll... knowing me I will want more... and those cravings are hard to come by so I ordered nothing. I am challenging myself to not take a bite of any of it.. 

I made my dinner and it actually was good and the truth is right now I am not hungry. I took whole wheat spinach spaghetti (Dad says it looks like green worms) and mixed in turkey sausage and diced tomatoes and baked it all together. It was actually quite yummy and it was filled with fiber and whole wheat and protein. I was going to add cheese on top but I figured that it would just add more fat that I really didn't need.

I have printed out a lot or core exercises that I can do on the ball and I am going to make a whole area to hang those pictures and directions up. This way if I don't do anything else in a day I can work on these key moves to help tone my body. 

I am also working on a gym plan and going to start back hard Monday. 

Wish me luck in the fight to keep the Chinese food out of my mouth... Here goes...

A Clear Up

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven".

Luke 6:37 

I want to clear something up with everyone. I do not binge and then throw up.  I mentioned in my blog a few days ago that I eat too much and then I throw up. That is true... but you have to remember I had a surgery that made my stomach a little bigger then a walnut. I do overeat sometimes but its not hard to do. I guess in a way it is binging but its not something that is planned. I just get this "I don't care" attitude and I eat more then my tiny stomach will allow. 9 times out of 10 it is not a planned thing. 

Another thing that I have learned from this surgery is that I often do help the process of throwing up because food gets stuck in my chest and it feels like I have a big boot stepping on my chest, this again is normal and OK as long as its not happening everyday because the truth is, when you have to do this you have eaten too much. I don't even think the food makes it to my stomach its just kind of stuck because my itty bitty belly cant hold anymore.

I have had more then one person come to me concerned about a possible bulimic issue and I am convinced that is not the case and I wanted to re-assure this to others. 

I have contacted my nutritionist about some issues I am having with the nutrition part of this but again this battle is my battle and not hers, I am hoping, like many of the people who write on here, she will give me hints and ideas on how to eat right.

The thing about eating right is that we all know what we should eat and shouldn't eat but somehow we often just don't. I don't really get it. I would think that if we all know whats right why do so many of us do it wrong? I grew up in Weight Watchers and the Adkins Diet and all those other diets that promise a healthy weight and I think they all work (some not as nutritional as others). The problem is that people cant stick to them. Diets are not something that works, lifestyle changes are. 

Yes, right now I still have at least 60lbs to lose and yes right now I am restricting my calorie intake but I am also working on a lifestyle change. Things like cutting out white... white is bad and even if I am not dieting... white should still not be part of any diet. I honestly feel better not eating white breads, pastas, rices and sugars. Things like changing snacks from worthless 100 calories cookies to a sugar free peach with cottage cheese or an apple with natural peanut butter. Both of those choices not only fill you up much better then like 2 damn cookies but also help keep you healthy.

Every single time I have put myself on a diet and thought I knew how to do it I have learned something new about what foods should be eaten and what foods should be avoided all other. This time I am learning from you, my readers which is absolutely inspiring.

As for exercise... I have began developing a plan and by Monday I will have one all set up. I am a visual learner so I am going to have to have some kind of plan on paper and not just talk about it. I am working on it. I'm thinking 3 days a week arms (my flabbiest areas), 2 legs 2 core (with daily abs). We will see how it all works out though. Cardio is my killer, I have GOT to find something I like... So far I hate it all. Honestly I think I try to make it too hard too fast. I have to realize that I am still a big girl and running a 12minute mile may not be possible right now. I just feel like if I don't push myself with cardio I wont get anywhere...What would you guys suggest?

Another Question - What would you guys think about some kind of online support group? We could even have a competition (those are always fun right)? Let me know if anyone has any interest in that?

The Challenge Continues

            A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

Well I just just completed day two of my challenge I have made for myself. The challenge to not have any processed sugars and fats. Thus far I have not cheated not once and truthfully not really had a craving for anything. It seems thus far that giving up cold turkey is easier then trying to use worthless calorie foods as part of my diet plan. I obviously say that we caution because it is only day two and anyone can eat good for two days.

I have took in less then 1200 calories and because my foods have been more healthy I have been able to eat a little bit more and feel full more often. I am going back on the more smaller meals more often for this because in all reality it works for me. 

My day today included:

* a breakfast of  1/4 cup dry whole oats and a banana with 1tbsp of natural peanut butter.  

* a lunch of a turkey sandwich on a deli-flat with lettuce, tomato and mustard

* a mid-afternoon snack of a small apple with 1tbsp of natural peanut butter

* 2-3 ounces of eye of the round (very lean) beef and a small sweet potato and broccoli 

* 1/2 cup of cottage cheese mixed with no sugar added peaches 

* my midnight whole wheat toast. 

I of course take a lot of vitamins to supplement my bypass so I am defiantly getting enough nutrients.

It seems like a lot but really its not a whole lot and I count calories very closely... today I used 1,057.

I feel really good about my eating thus far which is great! I feel good

Now the bad part... Exercise... I have not done a good job with it. I haven't been to the gym all week. I hate doing this I just can not find the motivation. I liked going last week with Meredith so maybe I can start that back up.  I'm just so lazy when it comes to it. What can make this exercise thing better? 

My goal right now is to continue to eat good until next Monday and then hopefully start a new routine that fits my needs and goals. I am going to do some research and hopefully find something fun and exciting to do... (wishful thinking I know). 

I hate having to come on here and admitting my shortcomings but I think in a way it helps motivate me. When I have to admit how lazy I am I tend to get off my ass and do something about it. Hopefully that will work this time. 

I am probably going to start working next week so maybe I can get a better schedule too... that may help because I am one of those people who get more done when they have more to do...

A New Plan For Success.

And be not drunken with wine, wherein is riot, but be filled with the Spirit

Ephesians 5:18

So since my last post a few hours ago I have been researching this food addiction theory I have unraveled. After talking to my great friend Renee and reading several articles on the subject here is what I have come up with. This is not a thesis statement by any means but this is how I am going to use it to better my diet.

Research Conclusion 1 - We have to eat to live so technically we can not be addicted to the act of eating nor all foods.

Research Conclusion 2 - Certain foods cause the brain to over-react like I was talking about earlier but not all foods do this. According to my research, the foods that cause a certain pleasure sensation are foods that are produced using excess sugars, fats and high fructose corn syrup.

Missy Conclusion 1 - I do not sneak foods that are actually good for me such as veggies, fruits, whole grains or low fat proteins. When I do hide foods its fatty foods that are not healthy in anyway. 

Missy Conclusion 2 - Once I have one of fatty or sugar loaded food I want more and more. These foods have no nutritional value and me eating them is just wasting calories. 

Renee Conclusion 1 - Even when we buy gimmick like a 100 calorie pack, those products do not kill the craving or fill you up they just leave you wanting more. These products are only meant to be a mental smokescreen if you well but if you are addicted to the actual fat and sugar this will only hinder what you are doing. 

My point is this. If by chance that there is such a thing as a food addiction it is not to all food but only certain parts of foods. We can not be addicted to actual food but I can buy that fat and sugar can be an addictive additive.  Most people have experienced the "once you start you cant stop" phenomenon, but has anyone experienced that when eating a yogurt, salad or piece of baked chicken. When eating the right kinds of foods we usually don't over-eat... we over eat on junk.

Solution: 

As scary as this sounds I have obviously found a solution to this could be food addiction. When we cure an alcoholic we stop drinking all together, when we quit smoking most people who succeed quit "cold turkey", and drug addicts have to quit hard and usually in a safe and highly structured facility. If by chance I am addicted to certain foods I have to give those foods up all together. I can not flirt with a cheeseburger when I have a craving or have just a bite of cake or just a couple potato chips. I have to give them up 100%. If I don't go all out I will not succeed.  

This plan does not include a low fat cookie or a baked lays chip it included foods that are healthy. 

So I am giving myself this quest: One week no junk. Not even one bite of cookies, candy, ice cream, chips, hot dogs (you get the picture). I will only shop at the perimeter of the grocery store.

In one week we will re-assess this and see what happens but I am willing to give it a try. I of course will update my feelings on a day to day basis. 

Is Food To Blame?

Food Addiction – Are You a Food Addict?
 
Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food.

One need only ask themselves a few key questions to determine his or her addiction:

• Do you eat when you are not hungry or when you feel low or depressed? Yes
• Do you eat in secret or eat differently in front of others than when you’re alone?Yes
• Do you consume inordinate amounts of food and then purge later with vomiting or laxatives to get rid of the excess? Yes
• Are there foods that are harmful to you, but you eat them anyway? Yes
• Do you feel guilty after eating? Yes

If you can answer yes to any of these questions than you are likely addicted to food. 

I share this article with you and my answers because this is a subject that has just began to spark my interest. I was watching Dr. Oz yesterday... and let me just say that before I credit Dr. Oz I am not a huge fan of him. Anyways his show had on a bunch of overweight women who claimed that they were addicted to food. I first decided it was bullshit because people are fat because they want to fat right? I'm a fat person and I say that... I know I am fat because I didn't or don't work hard enough to be skinny.  

During the show these three women confessed to things that I have done... and sometimes still do. They would hide food, eat in private, hide wrappers, go out just to get food, think about food every minute, eat to much and then throw it up and of course feel guilty about their decisions after they used these behaviors. In a way I think we all do these things once in a while, I think the problem lies when we do this more then once or twice and it becomes part of our everyday lives. 

I wanna talk about my habits now because in the past I did absolutely eat in private, hide food and feel guilty. I was 317lbs and my body showed all my secrets. Yes my "eating" patterns stuck right out there on my huge body. Now though I shouldn't be still using these behaviors. Here is the truth... something I haven't shared with anyone post surgery. 

1. I eat all the time. I eat when I'm not hungry or when I'm sad or happy or friggen pissed off. I eat carbs because I can keep down a bag of chips and the idea of having a bag of chips in front of me is a joy.

2.  I absolutely eat by myself. I get up every single night and find something to eat. I often think about what I can eat when no one is around. I find that I cant go to the Wal-mart without stopping at McDonald's for something and not having to tell someone where I was. 

3. I over eat at least once a day. When I first had surgery, obviously I threw up a lot but now I only do when I overeat... the thing is I find myself throwing up way more then I should.  I have taught myself that I can overeat... make myself throw up... and if I wanted eat again. I have only done that once or twice but I do do it which is probably not productive of my diet plan. 

4. I eat whatever I want even when I know I will be sick. I can not eat ice cream yet last night I had a big bowl of ice cream.... I then am sick but yet I do this. I know others do this too but why would anyone put themselves though that. I should not be eating junk and yet I find that if I don't eat it I cant function.  

5. I feel guilty after every single bite I take. I never ever ever eat without feeling guilty. I could eat a cracker and feel guilty. My guilt about eating consumes me. 

I answer these questions in details because I am looking for answers. On the show yesterday a specialist came on and said that food addiction is just like any other addiction. When you eat junk food it triggers the pleasure center in your brain and fires off neurons called dopamine. This is the same process when people drink or take hits of drugs. Knowing a little bit about how the brain works I understand what she is saying and am intrigued to look deeper into it. I don't completely buy that there can be food addicts around us but I guess it is a possibility and if this problem does exist I would probably one of those unlucky ones who suffer from it. I guess if some people can drink a lot but still control their alcohol then some people can eat a lot and not be food addicts right?

I have never ever blamed anyone or anything for my weight except for me and I am not sure that I will ever blame this but I would like to look further into it because if I understand whats going on with me maybe I can take it from a different angle. Has anyone heard of this? What are your feelings of it? 

From what I just wrote you might have gathered my diet once again fell through the cracks. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I fall off the train more then I can stay on. I want to stay on but I see something yummy and off I go. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I feel awful about it but often times it feels out of my control. I make excuses all the damn time. oh I don't feel good, oh just one cookie, oh I can have a bad day today and them tomorrow it will be better. I HATE EXCUSES but yet I find myself in the midst of them constantly.  

Tomorrow is a new day and I think I'm going to try to set smaller goals such as "stay on the wagon for a whole week and see how you feel at the end of that week," Maybe if I can see results I will be motivated to keep going.  This is Awful...

The Effect of Broken Promises

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?Romans 8:31

 

It has been a rough couple of days for me. I have pretty much been a mess on the inside. I have felt lonely, guilty, scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, alone, worthless, despaired, deceived, undesirable, unloved and so many other feelings I cant even describe. 

My life, as most of you know has been flipped upside down and topsy turvy into a million different directions in just a short amount of time, and although I put up a front most of the time about how I am feeling.... It really sucks. 

In North Carolina I knew who I was. I was a teacher. I had purpose. I had a place to go everyday and I was able to give back to my students. I was expected to show up somewhere and I was expected to do my job in a professional way. I was believed in. I was cared for. I was worth something.

 

Even after Brian left me for that  miserable witch I still had a sense of belonging because I had my job and I made some incredible friends who were there for me when I needed them most. I had purpose and I knew who I was. Yes, when he left I felt that my world was falling apart but I got over that quick. I picked myself up and moved on and really didn't regret who I was or who I was becoming. Oh and then.... that time... I had my best friend Kris... Now... Kris is the heart breaker

This time is different. I gave up everything I had for him. I gave up my job because he promised I would get a better one. I gave up my home because he promised that we would build a home together here. I gave up my friends because he promised I would make new ones. I gave up my classes because he promised I would be able to go back to school. I gave up everything because he promised that we would be happier... but guess what... I'm miserable. 

I hate him for what he has done to me. I hate him for the broken promises. I hate him for leaving me in this mess... and not only me but my family. He didn't just promise me the world he promised my family the world and he just walked out on us all. I hate him for who he has become. The man I married has died and I can not grieve because he will not allow me to...

 

Who does that? Just walks away? How much of a coward do you have to be to just walk out on everything you have built with someone? Do you know I have not heard one friggin word from him since he drove away in October? How messed up is that? I try to put myself in his shoes but I cant. I am not that selfish, I am not that mean. I mean if I wasn't what he wanted why didn't he tell me that instead of riding off into the sunset promising me he would come get me.... yeah... bull. 

I feel incredibility guilty because I still have these feelings. I cant let go like he did. I cant just walk away. I know people don't want to hear me cry about this but It is killing me inside. I don't want him back but in a crazy messed up way, I miss him. He always taught me that hate and love run a fine line and its when you don't care that you lose all feelings. I do care... I pray every single night that he is OK. I don't want to care, but I do. Will I ever stop caring?

I want to find love because at this point I don't really believe that I will. So far every endeavor in love I have taken has failed miserably with my broken heart. I'm not sure I know what it feels like to be loved. I want someone who will make me a teammate in life and I am so afraid that I will never find that person. I am not desperate by any means but I am lonely and scared and wish that I had someone to lean on when times are this tough. 

My goals are simple. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to go back to school, get married, have a baby, build a home and live life one day at a time. I just want to be happy and I am so scared I will never find happiness again. What if I wasted my chance on love by marrying the person who broke my heart... the only person I thought I loved..

I have friends that are going through so much more then me and as I am there for them I cant help but think about my life at the same time. I am just so miserable in my mind all the time. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know how to find myself again. 

I sometimes think that I use this diet as a way to control something in my life (though sometimes even food controls me). I cant control how I am feeling so I diet, I can control  what I eat for the most part. I tell myself that if I get skinny enough I will find love. If I get skinny enough I will find a job. If I get skinny enough I will be happy. But what happens if I get skinny and I still don't have the things I want from life? How skinny can one person get? What will be my crutch after that? 

I want to be happy with myself so bad. I want to be proud of myself again. I want to find a job that has meaning and that I can make my own. I want to meet people and be the fun loving person I used to be. I hate my life right now and I cant help that. I try to go through the positives every single day. I lay in bed and list all the good things I have but sometimes those good things don't outweigh the miserable. 

I just want to be in control of who I am again. 

I am sorry if this rant is more then you can handle. I am not out here to spill my dirt or rant on him because the truth is I want him to be happy. I just am upset and people don't seem to realize that the shit that has happened to me REALLY effects me. I am a master faker I suppose. I guess I am just tired of faking. I need help and I'm not sure anyone can really help me.

An Abusive Relationship

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

                                                                              Isaiah 41:10

Have I mentioned that diets are hard? Sometimes I would rather die then to be on a diet. I love to eat I cant deny that. I love fattening foods and sometimes I feel like they are calling my name. I cant turn on the TV without some pizza, taco, chicken finger, lobster little minion calling for me to come eat it! It kills me. I love things I shouldn't have and I crave things I shouldn't have and I don't know how long I can take this and what to actually do!  

I know I come on here day after day and whine about what I cant have but it truly bothers me. It truly tears me up to eat chicken at a steak house or salad at the Mexican place. I want to be skinny I TRULY do but I can not get away from obsessing over what I cant have.

What the hell is wrong with me? It is not normal to sit here and dwell over this! I have so much more important things to be doing but somehow food is always in the way! I hate it.... I hate food and what it has done to me. 

Its almost like one of those abusive relationships women get into. You hate the guy but no matter what happens you just cant get enough of him? I hate food.... I hate it so much but in the same breath I crave a cheeseburger... Am I one of those women who is in an abusive relationship? with food?!?!

I am a sick sick puppy! 

So far... I have not fallen off the diet wagon but I want to. I'm hungry for something cheesy or gooey or something! I go to bed longing for a just a bite of something good. 

Exercise doesn't help... except for the fact that after I do it there is no way in hell that I am eating those calories back! 

Anyways enough ranting for one night... its midnight so I am going to go savor my midnight snack and go to bed... next goal is kicking Diet Mt. Dew habit... then possibly the toast. 

I am also going to try www.sparkpeople.com I have heard some really good things about it and I am hoping I can get an even better tracking system then I have... Has anyone used it... let me know what you think. 

Thanks for listening to my rant! Goodnight!

Questions from A Diet Hater...

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin."
                                                                                                       1 Peter 4:1

OK all you soon to be Doctors out there (Shelby) or any other smart cookies that know about diets I have a few questions.... 

1. If I eat slices of whole wheat toast (50cals per slice) at say... Midnight while I am watching Hannah Montana... does that ruin my whole day? I have created a habit and as many habits as I am breaking I am not ready to let this one go. I still am under my 1200 calories everyday but I feel guilty doing this. I don't sleep well as it is and my mind seems to just become obsessed if I don't get that last bit of food in me. I know that its a habit and I plan on breaking it but I am just not ready yet. Is this a huge problem or one I can work on once I get some of the other ones broken.

2. Diet Mt. Dew. I know that it is all chemicals... and I have been working really hard to limit them down to one or two...... (I was drinking like 6 or 7). How does this delicious treat effect my body?

3. Carbs.... I have cut out ALL white in my diet. I have all whole wheat. I have found that if I don't eat any carbs my sugar drops (its been down to 38). I kinda feel like if I moderate those complex carbs in my diet its probably best but I guess the world tells me less is more... how much is a good amount?

4. Workouts.... How much is enough? I push myself really hard but I don't know that I am doing enough. I do as much as I can do but I can only run maybe 5 minutes at a time so I have been doing intervals... 5 run, 3 walk.... is that OK? Also with weights I have been doing both legs and arms every day... is that OK or should I focus on one one day and the other the next? 

These may seem like stupid questions but I just need to make sure what I am doing is OK. I am trying so hard but sometimes I feel like I don't try enough. Like the toast thing. I know that I have to give that up but I am just not ready and I am afraid that if I try to give it up I will somehow get off the diet that is making progress.... am I crazy? 

As of today I weigh 204lbs. I know that that is 4 pounds off from the 200 mark but it seems so far away. I don't know what it is going to look like as a 199 or 198....or hopefully 160... 145... its almost surreal to me... I know that sounds crazy but I have been over 200 for so long that being under is going to seem like a miracle and I'm not sure if I am going to actually believe it!

This everyday support is so so so important to me and I know when you guys write me that I don't always write back... I try to most of the time but sometimes I don't for one reason or another. I want everyone to know that I cherish those notes or encouragement and support... I actually am keeping them all.... Maybe someday I can write a book about my journey... who knows!

I am changing my life... but everyone of you who reads this... you are making a difference. 

As Helen Keller once said...  

"Alone we can do so little but together we can do so much". 

The recap... a year of new beginings.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

                                                                   Philippians 4:13

A year ago today I became a new woman. A year ago today I had Gastric Bypass surgery. It was a year ago today that I thought my world was changed forever... and my world has changed... but not at all like I expected... 

I expected the weight to just peel off me... 

I expected that my sizes would be down way farther then they are... 

I expected to feel like a hot momma 

I expected that my marriage would be so much better 

I expected that I would be planning a family with my husband

I expected that I would love who I was

I expected to to feel beautiful 

I didn't expect to feel worse about my body then before I ever went in

I didnt expect to be still obsessing about losing weight a year later

I didnt expect that my husband would walk out on me 

I didnt expect to be living at home again after 8 years

I didnt expect to be unemployed and searching (sometimes hopelessly) for a job

I didnt expect to not like who I was or what I looked liked 

I didnt expect to meet some amazing people or reconnect with them. 

If asked today if I regret having surgery, I would say absolutely not. As much as I complain about how I look and how I feel I can not forget to tell you that I feel 100% better physically. A year ago I couldn't walk half a mile without  losing every breath I had, now I have no problems with a 5 mile stroll. I couldn't run if my life depended on it and although I don't run a whole lot I am running and it feels amazing to be able to do that. 

Surgery was only a tool and I knew that from day one. I guess what you know and what your mind tells you are two different things. I honestly thought it would be easier. I knew it wouldn't be effortless on my part but I had no idea how hard it would be to keep your stomach small and your movements high.  

My life, although I tend to complain is good. I am lucky to have what I have. I have amazing parents who support me even at my weakest moments. I have amazing friends who have stepped up when I really needed them. I have a degree no one can take away from me and I am smart and after years of thinking I wasn't I realized, I am smart. I have shelter, food and a place to go when things really do get down! The best thing that I have found through all this is the love that I have found in Jesus. 

I know some of you who read this don't have the same beliefs as me but I want to share my experience... this is my blog I guess I can do whatever I want to right? The story is kind of a coincidence but I am learning not to believe in coincidence. 

Kris walked out on October 7th I think. I of course was devastated, not knowing where to turn. I came to my parents and said "I have 600.00 and a car and that's all I have" and it really was. I had built my life around him because that's what I thought a marriage was about... sacrificing for the other person. As I tried to just breath in the days that followed I found myself just an existence. I felt like I had no one or nothing, I felt like my whole world was gone and I didn't have a place that I fit into the world. 

My Mom, trying everything she would to lift by spirits asked me if I wanted to go to Church with her. I cringed at the idea as her pastor was the pastor that had married me and Kris only a year earlier. I told her I would join her but that I couldn't face the pastor. She found another small church that her friends were going to and I went along really just searching for something to fill the void, not expecting any of what I found that morning. 

I walked in that morning and we began to sing Amazing Grace... I of course felt like it was more of a funeral then a church service. Like probably many of you, Amazing Grace is a song I relate to the ending of a life, and I felt like Kris had died in a lot of ways. He was dead from my life at least. I of course sat there and the tears just rolled down my cheeks, I wanted so badly to just get up and walk out and tell everyone I just couldn't handle it, but something kept me in that seat. 

A few minutes later the Pastor came up and began to speak. This Pastor was not like any pastor I had ever seen. He was 27 years old and had a spitfire way about him that drew you closer to him. I listened intensely to his message. All of a sudden he said to the contagion "you may feel like you are in a valley in life but you have to remember that God with you in this valley is the same God that you have on the mountain". That stood out to me. He continued to ask us why we might be in a valley... he asked us to look deep in our hearts and ask ourselves if our sin was a culprit to the valley experience we may be feeling. He said that if you truly felt like sin was not a part of why you were in the situation you were in then maybe the Lord is trying to push you toward him. Maybe that even in the depths of your life the Lord wants to reach a hand for you to know he is with you. 

I know some of you may think that is crazy  but its how my life has played out and my relationship with God has brought me to where I am today. Please don't try to analyze my experience because to me it is real, something that truly has hit a cord with me spiritually, and that is an amazing experience.

As for my diet, I am so happy that God is with me and that I have so many people that are with me on this journey. I hope and pray that those of you out there struggling will find peace within yourself and just do what you need to do.



Note: I hit my 10lb in 2 week goal! I set the same for the next two weeks!

Learning to Control

For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.

                                                          Psalm 91:11

I have to admit that my day started out horrible! I swear I thought I was going to kill someone and then go find me a big bag of sour cream and onion lays and eat them all and dwell in self piety. I honestly didn't care about anything but comforting myself. So I sat on the couch for a while and thought about all the reasons why I wanted to dwell in my own sorrows. I thought about how good it would feel to go get a big old pizza and a bag of chips and a candy bar and just say... screw it this will make me better... I probably thought of a million things I wanted to eat and in my mind at them all.... then I woke up. 

As I sat there I realized that blowing my diet would only in turn make things worse. Sure it probably wouldn't effect my overall diet but it sure would effect my day. I would have another day of failure... another day that I would have to admit I screwed up. I sat there and I thought about the issues that were making me upset to begin with and realized that I really couldn't control them... but I could control what I put in my body. I got my butt up and made a small bowl of oatmeal and the day suddenly began to turn around. 

I went to the gym today with my friend Meredith. I am not going to say that the workout was fun because it wasn't. I hate the workout part... but I enjoyed having someone else to complain with. I didn't absolutely hate it. I hope that she stays on board with me for a while because it makes the gym so much better! 

I worked myself today HARD! I found a interval training for the treadmill. Its like a 21 minute stretch of running/walking. I NEVER EVER run so it was crazy that I actually could do it. I did it today just at the beginning of my workout but I think I am going to try to incorporate it both at the beginning and the end from now on.

I cut my calories down to 1200... I just am not seeing the results I want so I am cutting back and working more. Wish me luck! 

I have a meeting tonight but I am planning on talking about some other things later tonight... look for updates!

The Choice of Two Roads...

The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, 'He's a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!' But wisdom is shown to be right by its results."

                                                                                       Matthew 11:19 

Am I a glutton? I ask this for a very simple fact. I have spent the entire day eating foods I know I should not eat and then, becoming literary sick. I did this today not once but twice. It started with the grilled cheese sandwich at lunch and then the pizza at dinner. I chose... to not eat the foods I am used to and in returned got sick both times. Is this truly a sin? I know that in my heart I can control my "cravings" but today I was weak. I didn't overeat (as I honestly cant eat enough to overeat), but I did what was not right for my body, I feel like a failure. 

I say failure in a broad sense of the word because I know that now I have a chance to go down one of two very distinct paths. 

The first path I can choose is to continue down the road that I created today. I can just give up and say screw it I want to eat what I want to eat and just eat. I can have cookies and candy and chips and cheesy meaty goodness all the time. I can even go to cracker barrel on Wednesday for my favorite chicken pot pie. I can enjoy life because of the food I eat. I wont have to work out... why work out when you eat like a pig? I can just say screw it and pack up the blog... no one wants to read about someone who fails... I can pack on the pounds and go back to a size 16 then 18 and soon 24.... I will have a harder time finding a job because lets face it what you look like matters in today's world... oh and my dream man... I may or may not find him because most people.... don't look beyond someone that big... Those would be my consequences for staying on road number one.

Path two would be a little more of a struggle. Path two would involve knowing that I had a rough day today but getting up and walking tomorrow. Path two would involve a little bit more effort for me. I would have to again plan my food intake and think about what I eat before I eat it. I would have to count calories and fat grams and all that nonsense that you count when you know what you are eating... I would go to the gym in the morning and work it as hard as I could because every second you move helps you burn more calories. I would lose the pounds going from a 12 to a 10 to hopefully a 6. I would probably have a better chance at getting a good job because not only would people look at me and know that I care about myself but I would have the confidence to impress. 

As I look at the pros and cons of these two roads I think... actually I am sure that I want to take the road less travel on in my case. The road that looks like a bitch to get started on but the end looks oh so much better. Life is not easy. I have learned that more then once so far in my twenty six years. Life is all about struggles. Struggles are what makes a life more interesting at least that's what I am told. We have to work for what we have.... even our bodies are not handed to us. 

So as I wake up tomorrow on the day after my first failure I will not grieve on the past but look toward the future. I will beat this and I will be the champion of my own destiny!  

I have an idea... I have what many women have... a muffin top... yep I have one... a spare tire right smack dab on my belly. It is nasty... I am going to compile exercises that will hopefully help this problem I have and post them on my wall in the house. Everyday I am going to work this problem. Does anyone have any suggestions that actually work at toning the muffin top I have developed. I know how to tone, but this area is a nightmare! Let me know I would LOVE some ideas! 

OK now I want to talk about SKINNY jeans. I bought some yesterday and then I turned around and took them back! This is why....

I felt like I was a fat cow in them truly. I love skinny jeans and I think that they look good even on some bigger girls but I am still just too big for them I guess.... Maybe if I was a 10 I could look decent in them but my huge 14 butt looked awful! I am going to keep looking but so far... I am just not ready for the skinny jean. 

My plan from right now is to look forward and to just forget about what happened today wake up and start right back in tomorrow. I can do this... I know I can... we have a weigh in on Tuesday night and I am counting on a 10lb weight loss but who knows at this point.

Whatever happens I am not giving up on the journey no matter how much it hurts. Emotionally and physically this journey sucks but it is the most important thing I do for myself. 

I want to thank all of you for coming forward and talking to me about this either publicly or privately... It means so much more then you will ever know... and as I say time and time again I am there for you... even if you are not on a weight loss journey... even if you are on another one of life's journeys... I am here for you and would love to be any help you may need... please contact me. 

Love You All More Then You Will Ever Know!

We all need a little boost from time to time

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint."

                                       Jeremiah 31:25

Sometimes in life I think we need a little boost. We need someone or something to push us forward. On a diet though I think we need a boost daily. I am trying to find a way to get a boost daily without having to relay on others. Right now my boost comes from reading messages from my blogs or talking to people about my diet but I want something else... something more my own. In the past I have done things like paste beautiful women on my walls but now that seems tacky and childish... plus I don't want to look like them, I just want to be me, a healthier me. I have also been looking to Jesus for a boost and I can find thousand of verses from the bible that give me inspiration... partly a reason why I am sharing a verse with my readers everyday. I still am looking for something else... Does anyone have any ideas?

I regret one thing about my actions during my surgery. They told me to take a picture of myself every month from surgery day and so on and I didn't do that. I didn't do that mainly because I couldn't stand to look at myself then. If you haven't noticed you wont see any pictures of me pre-surgery because I refused to take them. I did have a few wedding pictures up but I don't want to look at those since obviously my marriage was a sham and I have little to no desires to look at those. I think that if I took pictures every month I would really see the change in myself. Since I have nothing to base my current size on... I cant compare and to me I am still the same. So anyone out there in the process of surgery be it bypass or lap-band please take my advice and take pictures... it may hurt now but I think it would really help on the healing process of things.

So I am going to Maine I think. My best friend in the whole wide world just gave me a nephew Landon and I want to meet him so I think in a couple weeks I am headed up to Maine. This was a hard thing to decide because of some issues at home and I knew my mom wasn't for it but didn't understand why. I guess my mom is scared I might move there which there is no way in hell I want to stay there for three reasons.... 1. Its FREEZING and I HATE being cold 2. I have no one up there anymore but Jenni and a few aunts and uncles which I love but its not enough to keep me up there 3. I have no job or even a potential for a job... heck I cant even be a CNA up there without going back to school and D. There are a dozen or so people up there that I would have to come in contact with and I just don't EVER want to see them again... So Mom... if you are reading I PROMISE to come back to you but I would really really love to see my friends before I start a real job again. 

So I guess I'm gonna head to bed... I have a new habit of watching Hannah Montana from 12-1, eating whole wheat toast and a small glass of skim milk and being passed out by 1. (I know I'm crazy but if one thing I got from Kris was Hannah Montana... That is ok).

So goodnight everyone... I am going out of town tomorrow but I am taking Mom's laptop and going to try to post but if you don't hear from me... I will surly have a lot to talk about by Sunday. 

Upcoming Post - What hurts worse... being cheated on with a woman or being cheated on with a man. Both things I have experienced and want to share about...