The Son of Man, on the other hand, feasts and drinks, and you say, 'He's a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!' But wisdom is shown to be right by its results."
Matthew 11:19
Am I a glutton? I ask this for a very simple fact. I have spent the entire day eating foods I know I should not eat and then, becoming literary sick. I did this today not once but twice. It started with the grilled cheese sandwich at lunch and then the pizza at dinner. I chose... to not eat the foods I am used to and in returned got sick both times. Is this truly a sin? I know that in my heart I can control my "cravings" but today I was weak. I didn't overeat (as I honestly cant eat enough to overeat), but I did what was not right for my body, I feel like a failure.
I say failure in a broad sense of the word because I know that now I have a chance to go down one of two very distinct paths.
The first path I can choose is to continue down the road that I created today. I can just give up and say screw it I want to eat what I want to eat and just eat. I can have cookies and candy and chips and cheesy meaty goodness all the time. I can even go to cracker barrel on Wednesday for my favorite chicken pot pie. I can enjoy life because of the food I eat. I wont have to work out... why work out when you eat like a pig? I can just say screw it and pack up the blog... no one wants to read about someone who fails... I can pack on the pounds and go back to a size 16 then 18 and soon 24.... I will have a harder time finding a job because lets face it what you look like matters in today's world... oh and my dream man... I may or may not find him because most people.... don't look beyond someone that big... Those would be my consequences for staying on road number one.
Path two would be a little more of a struggle. Path two would involve knowing that I had a rough day today but getting up and walking tomorrow. Path two would involve a little bit more effort for me. I would have to again plan my food intake and think about what I eat before I eat it. I would have to count calories and fat grams and all that nonsense that you count when you know what you are eating... I would go to the gym in the morning and work it as hard as I could because every second you move helps you burn more calories. I would lose the pounds going from a 12 to a 10 to hopefully a 6. I would probably have a better chance at getting a good job because not only would people look at me and know that I care about myself but I would have the confidence to impress.
As I look at the pros and cons of these two roads I think... actually I am sure that I want to take the road less travel on in my case. The road that looks like a bitch to get started on but the end looks oh so much better. Life is not easy. I have learned that more then once so far in my twenty six years. Life is all about struggles. Struggles are what makes a life more interesting at least that's what I am told. We have to work for what we have.... even our bodies are not handed to us.
So as I wake up tomorrow on the day after my first failure I will not grieve on the past but look toward the future. I will beat this and I will be the champion of my own destiny!
I have an idea... I have what many women have... a muffin top... yep I have one... a spare tire right smack dab on my belly. It is nasty... I am going to compile exercises that will hopefully help this problem I have and post them on my wall in the house. Everyday I am going to work this problem. Does anyone have any suggestions that actually work at toning the muffin top I have developed. I know how to tone, but this area is a nightmare! Let me know I would LOVE some ideas!
OK now I want to talk about SKINNY jeans. I bought some yesterday and then I turned around and took them back! This is why....
I felt like I was a fat cow in them truly. I love skinny jeans and I think that they look good even on some bigger girls but I am still just too big for them I guess.... Maybe if I was a 10 I could look decent in them but my huge 14 butt looked awful! I am going to keep looking but so far... I am just not ready for the skinny jean.
My plan from right now is to look forward and to just forget about what happened today wake up and start right back in tomorrow. I can do this... I know I can... we have a weigh in on Tuesday night and I am counting on a 10lb weight loss but who knows at this point.
Whatever happens I am not giving up on the journey no matter how much it hurts. Emotionally and physically this journey sucks but it is the most important thing I do for myself.
I want to thank all of you for coming forward and talking to me about this either publicly or privately... It means so much more then you will ever know... and as I say time and time again I am there for you... even if you are not on a weight loss journey... even if you are on another one of life's journeys... I am here for you and would love to be any help you may need... please contact me.
Missy,
ReplyDeleteI certainly applaud your effort and I am right there with you being a size 14 myself. I do think though, that as I read your post that you are being a bit hard on yourself. I understand that you feel like you let yourself down today, but you also recognized that just as you recognize that tomorrow is a new day and that you can begin again. Watching what you eat is important as is toning and exercise but I think the goal you are setting for yourself will be more attainable if you learn to accept yourself as a wonderful human being who has some minor flaws. Attitude is what helps many people succeed in weight loss and I think to be successful you have to love yourself and understand that there will be days like today but there will also be tomorrows that you get right back on the horse and ride. You are NOT the first person to ever fall off the horse and it will probably happen again....what IS important is that you get right back up there and try again. Now....Chin Up...Tomorrow is another day and you WILL be a success! I'm with you!!
Thanks so much! I think that my journey is about liking myself... at least finding the way to like myself. I hate what I look like but there are things that I do like about who I am... sometimes it takes another person to slap some sense into you and tell you that what you look like isn't everything... in fact its a small part of who I am.
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