The Effect of Broken Promises

If God is for us, who can ever be against us?Romans 8:31

 

It has been a rough couple of days for me. I have pretty much been a mess on the inside. I have felt lonely, guilty, scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, alone, worthless, despaired, deceived, undesirable, unloved and so many other feelings I cant even describe. 

My life, as most of you know has been flipped upside down and topsy turvy into a million different directions in just a short amount of time, and although I put up a front most of the time about how I am feeling.... It really sucks. 

In North Carolina I knew who I was. I was a teacher. I had purpose. I had a place to go everyday and I was able to give back to my students. I was expected to show up somewhere and I was expected to do my job in a professional way. I was believed in. I was cared for. I was worth something.

 

Even after Brian left me for that  miserable witch I still had a sense of belonging because I had my job and I made some incredible friends who were there for me when I needed them most. I had purpose and I knew who I was. Yes, when he left I felt that my world was falling apart but I got over that quick. I picked myself up and moved on and really didn't regret who I was or who I was becoming. Oh and then.... that time... I had my best friend Kris... Now... Kris is the heart breaker

This time is different. I gave up everything I had for him. I gave up my job because he promised I would get a better one. I gave up my home because he promised that we would build a home together here. I gave up my friends because he promised I would make new ones. I gave up my classes because he promised I would be able to go back to school. I gave up everything because he promised that we would be happier... but guess what... I'm miserable. 

I hate him for what he has done to me. I hate him for the broken promises. I hate him for leaving me in this mess... and not only me but my family. He didn't just promise me the world he promised my family the world and he just walked out on us all. I hate him for who he has become. The man I married has died and I can not grieve because he will not allow me to...

 

Who does that? Just walks away? How much of a coward do you have to be to just walk out on everything you have built with someone? Do you know I have not heard one friggin word from him since he drove away in October? How messed up is that? I try to put myself in his shoes but I cant. I am not that selfish, I am not that mean. I mean if I wasn't what he wanted why didn't he tell me that instead of riding off into the sunset promising me he would come get me.... yeah... bull. 

I feel incredibility guilty because I still have these feelings. I cant let go like he did. I cant just walk away. I know people don't want to hear me cry about this but It is killing me inside. I don't want him back but in a crazy messed up way, I miss him. He always taught me that hate and love run a fine line and its when you don't care that you lose all feelings. I do care... I pray every single night that he is OK. I don't want to care, but I do. Will I ever stop caring?

I want to find love because at this point I don't really believe that I will. So far every endeavor in love I have taken has failed miserably with my broken heart. I'm not sure I know what it feels like to be loved. I want someone who will make me a teammate in life and I am so afraid that I will never find that person. I am not desperate by any means but I am lonely and scared and wish that I had someone to lean on when times are this tough. 

My goals are simple. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to go back to school, get married, have a baby, build a home and live life one day at a time. I just want to be happy and I am so scared I will never find happiness again. What if I wasted my chance on love by marrying the person who broke my heart... the only person I thought I loved..

I have friends that are going through so much more then me and as I am there for them I cant help but think about my life at the same time. I am just so miserable in my mind all the time. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know how to find myself again. 

I sometimes think that I use this diet as a way to control something in my life (though sometimes even food controls me). I cant control how I am feeling so I diet, I can control  what I eat for the most part. I tell myself that if I get skinny enough I will find love. If I get skinny enough I will find a job. If I get skinny enough I will be happy. But what happens if I get skinny and I still don't have the things I want from life? How skinny can one person get? What will be my crutch after that? 

I want to be happy with myself so bad. I want to be proud of myself again. I want to find a job that has meaning and that I can make my own. I want to meet people and be the fun loving person I used to be. I hate my life right now and I cant help that. I try to go through the positives every single day. I lay in bed and list all the good things I have but sometimes those good things don't outweigh the miserable. 

I just want to be in control of who I am again. 

I am sorry if this rant is more then you can handle. I am not out here to spill my dirt or rant on him because the truth is I want him to be happy. I just am upset and people don't seem to realize that the shit that has happened to me REALLY effects me. I am a master faker I suppose. I guess I am just tired of faking. I need help and I'm not sure anyone can really help me.