And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
Galatians 6:9
Why is it that I am over a hundred pounds smaller then I was a year ago and still feel like I am the biggest person in the room no matter where I am?
Why is it that I look at my size 14 pants and find them revolting when I had size 24 pants that I never paid attention to?
Why is it that I get upset if I cant fit into a Large shirt I find myself hating myself when I used to struggle to get into a 3X?
Why is it that I dont feel better about myself? No matter how much people tell me I look great I just dont believe them.
I want so badly to look in the mirror and tell myself that I look good... I cant do that... I avoid mirrors as much as possible because what I see revolts me every time I look into one.
Im not sure that if I am blinded by what I always was and have not put my sight to use yet or if I really do look as bad as I see. Im obsessed with what I look like and I hate that. I never cared and now its all I think about. I will literally change clothes 10 times a day because every time I put something on I find a bulge somewhere and have to change. I find myself in the same clothes day after day because they are safe.... a little baggy and non-revealing, something to hide the monster I am underneath. I want so badly to wear clothes that I could never fit into... I have them in my closet... but I cant bring myself to pull them out and put them on in public.
I feel like I have the mindset of a sick person... when I don't have the behaviors. I eat, trust me I do. I have been eating about 1,400 calories a day and I am not obsessed with training... in fact I avoid it when I can. I am trying but I am not going overboard... in saying that though... I feel guilty. I should be going overboard... I should be cutting back another 400 calories and spending 3 hours in the gym a day but I'm not. I figure that its my fault I am not skinny yet... I don't put enough effort into it, I should be doing more.
Are these thoughts normal? I know girls have issues with what they look like but I feel like it consumes me. I just cant it though my head that I am a normal size. I feel out of place wherever I go. I feel like I'm not good enough because I stand out because of my size. I truly didn't feel this way before.
I guess before I accepted myself and honestly I didn't know how big I really was. I didn't really understand that 317 pounds was huge I thought it was big of course but when I look at what people weigh and how much bigger I was then even people I feel like are bigger then me now I cringe. I was truly a monster then but its now that I feel that way.
I am hoping that this feeling will go away. That one day I will wake up and see that my imperfect body is actually normal and that people in this world are the same size as me but right now I don't see it.
I am a college educated young woman looking at grad school but I cant seem to understand that even though I am a 14 now I still feel like a 24. This is killing me!
I think few women look in the mirror and truly like what they see. I was 5'7 120-130lbs throughout my teens and early twenties. Once my size 6 pants started creating the muffin top I felt so awful about myself and thought I was fat and ugly. It didn't matter that my friends told me I was beautiful and my fiancee told me I was one hot lady; I thought what I thought and nobody could change that thought but me. Well, once I had my daughter I gained weight...a lot of it and now a year after having my child I still weigh 30lbs more and am in a size 14 as well. I avoid the mirror because I too do not like what I see. For the last year I too have traded in my style to cover up my belly bulge but what i didn't realize is that people weren't judging me because of the weight, they were judging me because i wasn't taking pride in my grooming or dress attire like I once did. I changed my look, got a sexy haircut, and started making myself feel whole again. I can tell you, the new me wants to smack the old me for the insecurity I had over my once petite body. I guess growing out of the negative mentality is a process. If you find a shortcut on how to respect yourself let me know :)
ReplyDeleteI became friends with Missy-when Missy was over 300 lbs. I didn't care. I wanted to become your friend because I like YOU. I like you now. You are Missy, your weight doesn't define you. You were alot of fun then, and now. Your mind and personality are what I've always liked. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I never found you horrendous or a monster. You are Missy...ever changing as we all are, ever critical, as we all are...ever wonderful!
ReplyDelete