Battery Acid and Things Too Close

"Bitterness is easy to justify and difficult to recognize in ourselves. Maybe that's because it grows and develops over time. It starts when something bad happens, usually something we believe is unjust and undeserved. We feel wounded and hurt. We search for a way to deal with the pain. Sometimes, that leads to a defeating attitude of self-pity. If we rest in self-pity long enough, it transforms into anger. Our blood pressure rises, We continually replay the incident that caused our pain in the first place. We want to take out our rage on the offender. Often though, our anger seeps into our relationships with everyone else. 

Eventually, our anger descends into the most harmful state of all: bitterness. We feel continually distracted by our rage and desire for revenge,. We may become discouraged and disillusioned. We find ourselves poising our relationships, always blaming others for our problems. We lose our energy, our joy, and our strength. Worst of all, the bitterness we feel blocks us from enjoying a close and vital relationship with the Lord. Scripture says that Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy (Prov. 14:10). Bitterness is corrosive; it burns to the core. It is like having battery acid in your soul."  - Jim Daly 

Is that not defining to most of us? I find myself more and more looking to scripture to make peace of my life. For the first time in my life I am absolutely at peace. I have hope and faith that there is a plan for me. I have been diving head first into these books and honestly, I hate to read but these books are almost made for me. 

I have been through a lot in the last 6 months and I find myself still asking when I am going to get a break from the rejection that life is throwing at me, but then I stop for a second and smell the roses. Yes... here in Stanford the flowers are blooming and a fresh new light is falling upon my face as I walk outside each day. I am here... I am able to stand and smell the springtime air. I have an amazing support system and the best of friends and I have a future that is unbelievable.

2 Corinthians 12:10 Says - I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong. 

I believed that with my whole heart that "pain is part of the plan". I believe that we have to experience pain and heartache so that we can be closer not only to God, but to know who we are as individuals. Each one of us has a story, we have all hurt and suffered but how many of us can say that the pain has killed us. Yes, at the time we may have wanted to end it all, but if your reading this tonight, you didn't did you? You are probably stronger in the long run and use the pain you once thought was going to kill you for good in the next trial of your life. 

I give you this if nothing else... your pain will make you stronger. I promise that although it may seem like you are a lost little puppy dog, eventually if you trust in yourself you will come through a stronger and better person. 

I want to begin to share some of the inspiration that is coming to me though these books with the world. I find that it is my calling to help those who like me, have been stuck in a pit. I may have been completely wrong on my calling because right now, the joy I get from sharing how the Lord has saved me is what I feel I need to be doing all the time.

Measurements

In time of trouble . . .                                        He shall set me upon a rock - Psalms 27:5

I have never done this before. I have never done this before because I have never seen a real need... until now. I am increasingly falling apart when it comes to my body. I am increasingly eating the wrong foods and doing nothing to burn the foods I do eat. I am ready to change by life but the battle is more like climbing a mountain every single day. I think it has to do with the fact that my life in general is in an whirl-wind and I eat to comfort myself in times of trouble... but like the Bible says above... in time of trouble, he shall set me upon a rock.   I should not try to comfort myself, in a way its like a self-medicating thing.... I don't want to medicate myself with food, from now on, I will look to the Lord for my rock. 

I took my measurements tonight, the first time I think I have ever done this. It was a hard blow but It needed to be done, without them I, (A) wont see how bad it is now and (B) wont see progress. A scale is not a way to show progress to its full potential and I have to see the inches fall off as much as just the number.  

My full set of measurements are below, and a month from now I will do this again to see progress. 

As of March 9th, 2011 at 7:31pm... 

Weight - 220lbs

Bust - 48'' (yes my boobs are huge)

Chest - 40''

Waist - 48"

Hips - 46" 

Thighs - 41"

Upper Arms - Left 14" Right 15" (I hate my arms so these are defiantly target areas) 

BMI - 37.8 This number means I am still obese. I am not the super morbid obese that I used to be but I am still pretty big and have a lot to do... 

So here goes round 2 of this weight loss program. 

My mini food goal - Week one -  1200 calories and no white. 

My mini activity goal - Week one - Do at LEAST 30 minutes of exercise a day.

Setting Sail ... again

Seek peace, and pursue it.

                                                                                     - Psalms 34:14


I have a lot to be thankful for. I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis because there is so much in my life that is going absolutely haywire.  My life... as I knew it... does not exist. I miss my life, the one I built for myself. I miss it more and more each day. Everyday that goes by is like a knife twisting into my soul.  I am realizing now what I used to be and what I have become now. 


When all of my "troubles" first started, I had an extremely positive attitude. I told myself a million times a day that I was strong and in no time I would pick myself up and continue on the path I wanted for myself. My positive attitude is probably what got me though the trying times, the times where I literally had to remind myself to breath and every breath I took felt like my last. The pain was overwhelming but I was at peace with myself. So what if the world was against me, I was stronger then that... I was a fighter. 


I think what has happened... is that my fight is beginning to wear off. I think as humans we can all take rejection to a certain point and then it begins to fester in our soul. I think the bottom line is that the rejection I have been though is beginning to fester and I am not sure how to handle it. 


I am not necessarily talking about rejection by a man. Men, as much as I would love to have one someday, are not my priority. What good would it be for me to fall in love right now? I have no direction in my life, I have no home and I don't really know where I am going to be.  I have been rejected by men and yes it does hurt, but it doesn't kill me... it doesn't hurt near as bad as being rejected time and time again for positions that I know I could do an amazing job at. 


I need and job, but I think more importantly is that I want a job. I want a place that needs me. I think right now I feel like I have no purpose because in essence I don't. I have applied to like a thousand jobs it seems and I just get the run around from people. I don't know if the problem is that I am not local or what but people just pass me by. I am a good teacher, not the best but I have passion. I have passion for children, I have passion for helping people, I have passion to be a great teacher and an inspiration in lives of those who need it.... no one here seems to see that. 


I have finally identified the problem. I need a job. I have been trying to find peace in a lot of ways but essentially without a position, I will have nothing. I need my own life again. I built my life back the last time my world fell apart and I realize now it was because I had a school and a family of teachers that took care of me.  I had something to fall back on, I had a sense of belonging, a sense of worth. 


I have honestly been extremely depressed. There are days at a time that I have been in the house without ever seeing the light of day. I want to disappear. I am miserable. I am miserable with myself for who I have become. I am angry. I am angry at myself because I can not lift myself up and fight back. I am tired. I am tired of trying so hard to get a rejection. My life seems like a joke. I feel trapped. I feel alone. I feel defeated. 


A guy told me just yesterday "I need someone who has control of their life." That hit me hard because I am realizing now that I don't have control of who I am right now. I feel like I am 16 again. I am relaying on everyone else and I am just here, taking up oxygen to those who really do have purpose. 


I am so increasingly thankful for my parents. Without them, I don't think I would have made it this far. I think that its just time for me to step out on my own and I am not sure how to do that. I want so bad to be the independent girl that I once was. I want to the girl who was happy. I am not happy. 


In saying of this. I am gaining weight. I eat when I am sad. Its a sad truth. I eat to comfort me and I am too stupid to realize that doing that just makes it worse. I refuse to be who I was though. I am to the point now that I am thinking that taking control of my body may be the only thing I have right now. I am tired of being tired and I know that half of my problem is food that I eat. I am scared to death to become the 317lb Missy again but if I dont change it, no one else can. 


I have to have a new beginning again. Its embarrassing to say this because lord knows I have had a lot of new beginnings in just three or four months but again here I sit, at yet another cross-roads of my life. I want so bad to be able to control this battle but I fear it probably with be a life long battle of ups and downs. I need to be on an up, and at this point I am ready. I want to talk about it again, I want to be able to give hope to those struggling. 


I am obviously not a role-model and probably not an inspiration. I am pretty screwed up myself right now, but I have to bring back hope for myself. I don't care if I write this and no one reads it, its for me, a reflection. With this blog I have brought hope for myself before, I am hoping again that will be the case. 


I want to tell all my readers that I am not a failure, even though I feel like one right now. I am a work in progress... a young women who one day feels like she is defeated but the next can sail the world. I am just ready to set sail again... for myself...