Seek peace, and pursue it.
- Psalms 34:14I have a lot to be thankful for. I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis because there is so much in my life that is going absolutely haywire. My life... as I knew it... does not exist. I miss my life, the one I built for myself. I miss it more and more each day. Everyday that goes by is like a knife twisting into my soul. I am realizing now what I used to be and what I have become now.
When all of my "troubles" first started, I had an extremely positive attitude. I told myself a million times a day that I was strong and in no time I would pick myself up and continue on the path I wanted for myself. My positive attitude is probably what got me though the trying times, the times where I literally had to remind myself to breath and every breath I took felt like my last. The pain was overwhelming but I was at peace with myself. So what if the world was against me, I was stronger then that... I was a fighter.
I think what has happened... is that my fight is beginning to wear off. I think as humans we can all take rejection to a certain point and then it begins to fester in our soul. I think the bottom line is that the rejection I have been though is beginning to fester and I am not sure how to handle it.
I am not necessarily talking about rejection by a man. Men, as much as I would love to have one someday, are not my priority. What good would it be for me to fall in love right now? I have no direction in my life, I have no home and I don't really know where I am going to be. I have been rejected by men and yes it does hurt, but it doesn't kill me... it doesn't hurt near as bad as being rejected time and time again for positions that I know I could do an amazing job at.
I need and job, but I think more importantly is that I want a job. I want a place that needs me. I think right now I feel like I have no purpose because in essence I don't. I have applied to like a thousand jobs it seems and I just get the run around from people. I don't know if the problem is that I am not local or what but people just pass me by. I am a good teacher, not the best but I have passion. I have passion for children, I have passion for helping people, I have passion to be a great teacher and an inspiration in lives of those who need it.... no one here seems to see that.
I have finally identified the problem. I need a job. I have been trying to find peace in a lot of ways but essentially without a position, I will have nothing. I need my own life again. I built my life back the last time my world fell apart and I realize now it was because I had a school and a family of teachers that took care of me. I had something to fall back on, I had a sense of belonging, a sense of worth.
I have honestly been extremely depressed. There are days at a time that I have been in the house without ever seeing the light of day. I want to disappear. I am miserable. I am miserable with myself for who I have become. I am angry. I am angry at myself because I can not lift myself up and fight back. I am tired. I am tired of trying so hard to get a rejection. My life seems like a joke. I feel trapped. I feel alone. I feel defeated.
A guy told me just yesterday "I need someone who has control of their life." That hit me hard because I am realizing now that I don't have control of who I am right now. I feel like I am 16 again. I am relaying on everyone else and I am just here, taking up oxygen to those who really do have purpose.
I am so increasingly thankful for my parents. Without them, I don't think I would have made it this far. I think that its just time for me to step out on my own and I am not sure how to do that. I want so bad to be the independent girl that I once was. I want to the girl who was happy. I am not happy.
In saying of this. I am gaining weight. I eat when I am sad. Its a sad truth. I eat to comfort me and I am too stupid to realize that doing that just makes it worse. I refuse to be who I was though. I am to the point now that I am thinking that taking control of my body may be the only thing I have right now. I am tired of being tired and I know that half of my problem is food that I eat. I am scared to death to become the 317lb Missy again but if I dont change it, no one else can.
I have to have a new beginning again. Its embarrassing to say this because lord knows I have had a lot of new beginnings in just three or four months but again here I sit, at yet another cross-roads of my life. I want so bad to be able to control this battle but I fear it probably with be a life long battle of ups and downs. I need to be on an up, and at this point I am ready. I want to talk about it again, I want to be able to give hope to those struggling.
I am obviously not a role-model and probably not an inspiration. I am pretty screwed up myself right now, but I have to bring back hope for myself. I don't care if I write this and no one reads it, its for me, a reflection. With this blog I have brought hope for myself before, I am hoping again that will be the case.
I want to tell all my readers that I am not a failure, even though I feel like one right now. I am a work in progress... a young women who one day feels like she is defeated but the next can sail the world. I am just ready to set sail again... for myself...
No comments:
Post a Comment